(1). An inability to Say No:    An inability to “say no” is really the symptom of two greater diseases.  There’s the “people-pleasing” side of the disease; then, there’s the part that results from a failure to internalize your purpose.  For example, It’s easy to say no to things when you have a “bigger Yes” burning inside.  Every day, when I go into my office, I have to pass through the Substance coffee shop.  Of course, there are always fun people to talk with; yet, I’m busy enough where, to stop and talk means that I’m going to be writing my sermon on my day off.  Thus, my “bigger yes” (enjoying my day off) automatically trumps my desire to stand around and get chatty.  In fact, many of us struggle with temptation because we haven’t fully internalized the bigger vision of what God has for us.

So, here are a few questions for you:  In what areas of your life are you over-committed, and why?  Do you really have clarity about how you should be spending your time?  Did you internalize these values at the start of your day?  If you can’t clearly answer these questions, you will be tossed about by every wave of distraction the devil can send at you.  Which leads to the next issue:

(2).  Anxiety-Driven Busyness:  Quite often, the reason why we strive is because, deep down, we don’t trust in God.  We think:  If “I don’t, it won’t.” And this sinful tendency is part of what God had in mind when he instigated the Sabbath in the first place.

To combat this impulse, it’s important to start every day with prayer.  In 1 Thess. 1 we see Paul talking about “producing work through faith” as opposed to sweat.  Or to paraphrase James, “the prayers of righteous people get things done” (James 5:16).

I vividly remember having a huge to-do list one day.  I was so anxious about getting it all done that I was tempted to skip my quiet time with God.  Against my emotions, I decided to spend time connecting with God.  As I prayed, my phone kept buzzing with texts from various people; yet still, I continued to connect with God.  By the time I ended, I checked my phone to discover that half of my meetings had been cancelled.  Indeed, many of the problems I was going to solve that day had been supernaturally resolved (which is why people were texting me.) So, it’s important to consider that, just maybe, God wants to solve your situation through means other than “sweat.”  After all, he LOVES getting more glory like that.

Or maybe you have a bigger problem altogether, and it’s this:

(3).  A False Vision of Happiness:  Many of the things we strive after won’t give us happiness anyway.  That’s why Paul said, “if you want great gain in life, try godliness mixed with contentment” (1 Tim. 6:6).  I.e., it sounds counter intuitive to try “contentment” as the true source of happiness. But in a culture that idolatrously believes that “more is always better,” we’d be smart to consider the Bible’s advice.

Almost every time I’ve reached a burnout moment in my life, it’s been due to desires and unrealistic expectations that fell outside of God’s plan for me.  Good ideas aren’t necessarily “God-Ideas.”  And when we fall short of our self-imposed goals, we experience all sorts of emotions that God never planned for us.

So when was the last time you stopped and really considered the question:  “Do i really need what im striving after?” …What if I’ve got all I need for pure joy right here and now?”  The truth is, you DO!  Thus, the real question is this:  Why aren’t you tapping into that joy right now?

“Your soul finds rest in God alone” (Psm 62:1).  So let’s start living like it.  Jesus said that “running after things” is the chief indicator of a pagan… a person who lacks a generous Heavenly Father (Mt. 6).  So, God bids us to “put him first” through rest.

Besides, you wouldn’t break the other Nine Commandments, would you?  Yet, what few people realize is this:  If you break the Sabbath, you’re much more likely to break the others.  Even more, we serve a God who “never sleeps.”  That means, it’s O.K. if you and I take rest now and again.  After all, “he grants sleep [or, rest] to those he loves” (Psm 127).  So let’s make sure we receive his gift of rest this week. Amen?

To Read PART ONE  . . . . . . . . . To Read PART TWO

That’s partly why “Stay-cations” and cabins can be a really dysfunctional approach to rest.  In my experience, the false pretense of rest quickly becomes shattered by home-improvements, honey-do-lists, and maintenance issues.  And certainly, you can take any “vacation” and turn it into stress.  For example, I once took my family to Walt-Disney’s E.P.C.O.T. theme park.  By the end of the day, I realized that EPCOT stands for Every Parent Comes Out Tired.  When I finally came home, I realized that I needed a vacation from my vacation.  So, allow me to point out a better way to live.  Here are three important ingredients for true relaxation: Extended Distraction, Atmosphere & Sabbath Preparation.

(A). Extended Distraction: At one time, I took a lot of half-days-off.  But they never satisfied. Like many executives or business owners, pastoring is a job that’s never done (especially when your spouse works at the same place you do).  So, it’s not just “goal-oriented” tasks that we need to be aware of.  We also need to be mindful of the fact that our bodies often need a full 24 hours to reset.  Quite often, I have so many stress hormones raging through my body that, if I don’t get a full day (dusk till dawn) where I can completely stop thinking about the church (or whatever burdens you), you’ll never feel fresh.  Even worse, you’ll always struggle gaining “perspective” on your life.

(B). Atmosphere:  Part of the reason why I like to travel is because new atmospheres naturally distract us from our typical life goals.  My wife and I love to vacation both with and without our kids.  Yes, we drive cruddier cars and live in a smaller house than most families (so we can afford these vacations).  But I’d rather invest in my family than my stuff.  But allow me to explain why.

A new atmosphere enables me to snap out of “Role-definition-Ruts.”  When I’m at home, my wife and I have a tendency to only relate to each other as “co-managers of house”… or “Co-parents.” Our conversations are dominated by the logistics of dental appointments and school events.  But new locations awaken new dreams, new thoughts, and new adventures.  Suddenly my wife is a lover and co-adventurer again… not merely a parent.  Or, with my kids, I suddenly relate to them outside of the context of piano lessons and homework.  Out of the blue, comes discussions and parenting moments that never would happen if we hadn’t created a fresh and fertile atmosphere.  And finally,

(C). Sabbath Preparation:     When I was in Israel, it was amazing the degree that many orthodox Jews would go through to prepare for their Sabbath.  Many of them forbid themselves from cooking, driving, even turning on light-switches!  In fact, many of them have complex software programs that turn on stoves, lights, etc. without them having to even push a button.  In fact, many Israeli hotels have “Sabbath elevators” which go from floor to floor on autopilot (to prevent Jews from “working” by pushing buttons).  Many of them believe that creative energy is a form of work.  So, the moment the Sabbath begins at sunset, the busy streets become completely quiet.

At first, I was a bit blown away by the extremism and zeal that many Jews put into Sabbathing.  Yet, at the same time, I was really refreshed by it.  And over time, I realized that I had a lot to learn from this.

As you’d imagine, such an approach to Sabbathing requires a lot of prep-work.  Everything from cooking to light-switches had to be thought through the day before.  And the Early Church Fathers had a term for this vigilance called Otium Sanctum which means: “holy leisure.”  And to experience it, it required preparation throughout the week.  I.e., If we want to have a great day off, it requires a thoughtful preparation on the other six days.

So let me ask you:  What if you took your day off this seriously?  What if you saw relaxation as the most sacred act of worship this week?  The truth is, relaxation IS sacred to God.  That’s why God said, “Keep the Sabbath, because it’s HOLY.”

So, do you want a holy Sabbath… a time off that truly refreshes you?  Then consider using the above three ingredients in increasing measure.

Read PART ONE  . . . . . . or PART THREE . . .

After all of my classes at Bible school and seminary, I never remember taking a class called: “What the heck to do on my day off.”  (In fact, if there was such a class, I think it should be named exactly that.)  And maybe I’m the only person who struggles with this.  But it’s hard to truly relax.

Part of it could simply be me.  My wife and I maintain an incredibly large circle of friends – which is even more amazing for an introverted couple like Carolyn and me.  And with all of the wonderful volunteer leaders at Substance, we chronically feel guilty about not hanging with them more.

To make matters worse, in ministry, the work is never done.  I’ve never backed away from the church at the end of the day and proclaimed:  “I’ve DONE IT!  I’ve completed the perfect church!  …your spotless bride awaits you Lord.”  Rather… on most days I’m thinking…“Holy crud! I can’t believe our church has made it this far! …Will people even stick with us as we figure this out?” You see, in the end, I have to trust God to make up the difference.

That’s why the Sabbath is such an important concept to master.  Keep in mind, the Sabbath was a difficult command for the Israelites to apply.   Like in most agricultural societies, there isn’t much margin for error.  The weather can be unpredictable. Thus, missing a good day of work can impact your pocketbook in a major way. Yet, God wanted them to understand:  If we honor him, he can control the weather.  Indeed, there’s nothing beyond God’s control.

So, faith in God is the ultimate key to rest.  But beyond this, what are some practical things to be aware of when it comes to resting?  Over the next 3 Blogs, I’m going to share 3 practical cautions that help me plan a better day off.  And the first key is this:

(1). Be careful about Goal oriented activities on your day off. 

To explain this, allow me to give you a quick lesson on your physiology.  Every person has a “Para-sympathetic system” and a “Sympathetic system” in their brain.  Your sympathetic system is designed for fight-or-flight.  It’s the goal oriented part of your brain that gets you moving.  The other system is the one that helps you relax.  Thus, sex and television watching are classic stimulants of your parasympathetic system (the relaxation part).

Many people drink caffeine because it stimulates their sympathetic system by converting into a stress hormone called cortisol.  Another way to generate cortisol is through “goal oriented activities.”  In fact, stress hormones only get released into your body during “goal-oriented” processes.

And some of you adrenaline junkies might like the rush of cortisol running through your system. But consider this:  When you bathe your brain in a constant bath of cortisol (due to constant to-do-lists), you can actually ruin your body’s ability to turn back on your parasympathetic system (your ability to relax).  Clinically, when a person burns out this system, they are called a “type-A” personality (a.k.a., a person who’s lost their ability to turn off fight-or-flight.) You can lose your ability to relax naturally.  Thus, many borderline Type-A personalities need to turn to sex, food, or other addictions to relax.

In other words, if you spend your days off obsessing over goal-oriented things (like cleaning out your garage), you probably aren’t getting the rest you’re needing (as your body is still surging stress hormones).  And, sure, we might not see our landscaping project as “work;” but, the Bible doesn’t separate “home-work” from “professional work” into separate categories.  And that’s probably because your body doesn’t separate them either.

When you’re a driven person like me, (or a parent), it’s hard to avoid goal-oriented days off.  But it’s possible if you plan for them in advance (such as preparing tomorrow’s family meals today).  Or, at the very least, if your hobbies become “overly goal-oriented,” be willing to stop them the moment they become stressful.  If the goal of golfing is “hitting a certain number” instead of “enjoying the outdoors,” you might not be finding the relaxation you’re desperately desiring.  And consider the ramifications if you don’t ditch the goal-oriented activities: You’ll lose the ability to relax!

So, get ready, we’re going to take this another step deeper.  But in the meantime, chill out and trust God!

Read Part TWO of This Series . . . . . . . . . . .Part THREE

Back when I used to do pre-marriage counseling, I loved sharing embarrassing stories – about how, early on in my marriage, my wife and I would get insulted about the smallest things when it came to the topic of sexual satisfaction.  But, we pushed through “Pillow-talk 101;” and, as a result, we can move onto collegiate level research : )  But, the same is true with the doctrines of hell.  People get so freaky about the subject that their brains tend to turn off when they deal with the facts.

For example, a young lady once told me:  “God couldn’t be loving if he sends people to hell.”  I stopped her and reminded her of some of the wicked things people have done over the years… Fathers who rape their nine year old girls… Militia groups who strap bombs to six year old kids to blow up their adversaries.  I started talking about the thousands who get martyred every week over the silliest things.  And then I asked:  “How could God be loving if he isn’t just?”  And then I told her: “Imagine how many people would then accuse God as being unfair.  It almost sounds like a catch-22 for God.”

Or, think about it this way:  “Boundary setting” is the very foundation of parental love: “I LOVE you, which is why I won’t let you play in the busy highway!”  Yet, when God (Absolute Love) lays down the doctrines of Hell (Absolute Boundaries) we suddenly get all bent out of shape: “Who are you to tell me where I can play?”  Even more, what makes us think we’re even competent enough to judge God?  A good judgment requires good information.  And, do we really know the extent of damage done to the universe when sin entered the world?  Are we really qualified to judge the fairness of God?

So I finally asked the young lady:  “If God forced everyone into heaven – against their will – would that suddenly make God ‘loving?’”  To me, i’d have a hard time calling this God “loving.”  After all, we have a word in our culture for “forced love.” It’s called Rape.

You see: Some people feel that the “Rapist God” or “Unjust God” concepts suddenly satisfies their sense of love and justice.  And because they haven’t really thought through the logical implications of their opinions, they tend to ignore a good number of scriptures – the truths that don’t square with their ill-thought notions of “fairness.”

In the end, we’ve got to start with Scriptures – even the ones that disturb us.  Once we get past our insecurities, I believe, a deeper more profound picture will emerge:  a God of love… who loves us so deeply that he creates boundaries… that he doesn’t force people into heaven… that he still upholds justice, even if it requires him to sacrifice his only Son.

“But what about those who didn’t get a chance to hear the Gospel?”  Will God  just send someone to hell because they happened to be born in a part of the world where the Gospel wasn’t popular?  Well, thankfully, the Bible gives us a great example of this in Acts chapter 10.  (And I’ll be addressing this in the upcoming messages of our “Stumped” series [here].  Also, if you missed the first message on this topic [Stumped Part 5], I posed the question: What if hell is locked from the inside?  Indeed, I personally believe that, if people were given the choice to accept Christ after death they STILL wouldn’t choose him. (Again, watch the video if that intrigues you).

Last but not least… I promised that my listeners could download a handout full of Bible verses on hell.  For those who are new to the “doctrines of reprobation,” I’ve included a pdf that covers the basic verses which inform our study, linked here: HellNotes2013.  Also, many people have asked me what I think about Rob Bell’s Love Wins (a NY Times best seller dealing with Hell).  And if you’re curious, I wrote a ten page assessment linked here:  Hell Discussion Download- Rob Bell

But here’s the deal:  Don’t ignore tough conversations about hell [or sex for that matter : )  After all, God has an startling hot plan (for both).  But we will never uncover that plan if we’re insecure and afraid to talk about it.

Fifteen years ago, I used to be a much more impatient leader. Yet, every time our church hit a lid or went through transition I was so quick to complain abou the people around me.

I remember one time when our previous church had hit a transition moment.  We weren’t growing (and hadn’t grown in a few years).  Of course, I was convinced that the problem came down to “this leader” or “that leader.” And right when I was about to blame it on the “uncommitted people around me”…. I felt like the Holy Spirit impressed upon my heart:  “Peter, what if the Problem was YOU!”

You see: If I was Honest:  Part of the reason why I was complaining was because, complaining is actually a technique for taking attention off of ourselves.  Often times, it can even be a subconscious way of deflecting responsibility.

For example, every person has Four Relationship Dimensions they need to maintain.  And here they are:  (1). Those above.  (2). Those beside.  (3). Those below.  (4). Yourself.   For Example, those Above might be your boss, your department head, your upline; Those Beside might be your co-workers, siblings, peers; Those Below might be your employees, interns, followers; and the last dimension is Yourself.

But here’s the Insightful part:  Whenever we hit transition moments… moments that stretch us; Or; run into a HUGE lack of time / financial margin / energy… In these situations: immature people almost entirely blame the first three dimensions.

For example, your schedule is overbooked and three of your key leaders call in sick. It’s easy to blame the 1st three dimensions:  (1) “I keep telling My Boss I need a part time assistant!“  (2). “My Fellow staff don’t help enough“… “I have the toughest area to recruit for.” Or, “those tech guys get all the money…” (which is true by the way!) (3). “My volunteers are so unreliable! “  But what about the fourth dimension: “I’m a terrible time manager / vision caster / recruiter?” What about…”I haven’t adequately adapted to my new season of life!”

You see: Immature staff pretend that other people have “ALL the power, time & resources” – while forgetting that we serve a God who is limitless. Besides, what rookie leaders don’t often think about is this:  The only dimension you can REALLY control is the fourth.  And equally important, if you whine about the other dimensions, in a very short period of time, you aren’t going to have a whole lot of friends.

Time after time I watch young leaders poison a perfectly good church environment.  They enter into a season of stretching, and by the end, they either lose their job (as their coworkers or boss can’t stand them anymore); Or, they get so cynical that, they buy into the logic that uprooting their entire family to attend another church is the only option — only to find themselves at the bottom of another ladder at another imperfect church.

Don’t get me wrong:  There are definitely times when God is calling people to get out of a negative church or job scenario.  And if that’s you, I wrote an entire blog series on it …[click here]. But, don’t poison your God-given work-environment simply because you’re obsessing over the “wrong dimensions.”

“So Dear Heavenly Father:  Help us to work on OURSELVES.  Give us wisdom about how we can sharpen and serve those around us.  Liberate us from passing blame and responsibility.  For you have said: “[We] can do all things through Christ who gives [us] strength.  In Jesus’ name.  Amen.”

Part One of “Top Mistakes of Rookie Leaders”  . . . . . . . . . . Part Two

In part one, I confessed that I underestimated the Power of Spiritual Warfare.  And if you missed that go back and read it now.  But our second classic mistake could be summed up in one sentence:

Idealizing that promotion would make your life simpler or happier.

For example:  Young pastors are always telling me their “If ONLY’s.”  Perhaps you’ve heard (or said) some of these:  “If only I had more… Opportunities / budget / staff / authority / income / control over my schedule, THEN I’d be happy.”  Or, “If only I had a better… Boss / coworkers / location, THEN I’d be happy.  I.e., We all have a “pressing issue” that feels like a burr in our underwear.  And when you’re on staff at a church, it’s even harder because, we all have to negotiate our individual dreams with “the family.”  I.e., Your upline just changed everyone’s job descriptions again, (or, your top volunteer just quit)… Or, your senior pastor just decided to delay your dream ministry to focus everyone on the next “big event” and now you have to divert your energy back to that one irritating task! (Ugh!)  During times like this, inexperienced ministers can become a cauldron of toxic emotions that curse the rest of the staff (or, their spouses can : ).  But hopefully, you can learn from my mistakes:

Before I became a senior Pastor I worked for two different senior pastors.  As I look back, I was pretty idealistic about them (for better and for worse).  I remember numerous times thinking:  “Ugh!  I wish I could make that decision instead!” Or, “Ugh! Why aren’t they doing this / that!?” (Apparently, I said ‘Ugh’ a lot : )  “If Only I could control THAT budget… or THIS hiring decision I just know I could do it better!“  After all, I saw things that nobody else seemed to see!  Yet, I had very little control over things.  On the other hand, my senior pastor had so much more freedom! …more money! …more authority!  ”If Only I had…”

So, fast-forward several years:  The Lord suddenly granted my dreams:  I actually became the Senior Pastor at that church! (This was before Substance).  And I remember the first day sitting behind that huge senior-pastor-like desk.  (At the time, the desk was worth more than my rusted Chevy lumina.)  But finally, I had the opportunity to lead.  I put both hands on the glass top and sat down in the CEO chair.

I was going to show everyone how great church could be!  I was going to change the world!  (The soundtrack to the movie “Gladiator” was playing at this time).

But, over the next couple years, I had a rude awakening.  The chant in my head went from, “Yes We Can!” to “Maybe, Some-time!“…to “Probably Never!“  Because here’s what a figured out: Although I had ten times the budget to manage, I now had ten times the number of people begging me for money! I also had ten times more scrutiny for every decision I made (or didn’t make). I now had ten times more political events that I had to show up for!  My time evaporated faster than ever.  And I now had ten times the number of people who were angry at me for not doing their agenda!  Every day, I could hear the idealistic agendas of the staff barking away through my office walls.

The greatest irony was that:  Once I finally had the authority to do what I wanted, I didn’t even have the time to even enjoy the authority I now possessed!  I had to delegate it all away!  Ironically, I started dreaming of the days when life was simple… back when I was just a youth pastor.  I even started to look at various job opportunities in other churches where I could “promote myself via demotion.” Sure, I didn’t have much of a budget back in those days.  Sure, I had an upline/boss screwing up my schedule / budget / job-description… but, I didn’t have to be the nexus of people’s unrealistic expectations.

So, allow me to cut through the crap, and give you the truth:  A higher level of promotion will not make your life simpler.  And if you believe this, you are a fool.  You say to yourself:  “If only I had a situation like that.”  If only I was empowered more.  If only I …blah, blah, blah.  But the Bible shows a different picture of promotion.  Just look at King David in the book of 1 Samuel.  The moment David was anointed King, all hell broke lose in his life.  Which leads to another myth:  That a higher level of promotion will make your life happier.

However, check out what King David’s son wrote in Ecclesiastes 6 — (and keep in mind: This is coming from one of the wealthiest men on the earth at this time).

Eccl. 6:1-3  “I have seen another evil under the sun, and it weighs heavily on men:  God gives a man wealth, possessions and honor, so that he lacks nothing his heart desires, but God does not enable him to enjoy them, and a stranger enjoys them instead. This is meaningless, a grievous evil.”  And he goes onto say, you could have one hundred kids and still not be happy.  Because the point is this:  If we really want happiness we should seek it in God… not in Promotion.  Only God can make us happy (Eccl. 2:26; Psm 62:1).

And if we seek promotion that God doesn’t have for us, we won’t enjoy it anyway; because, only God can help us enjoy it.

So, here’s a simple way to know if you’ve got this circumstantial idolatry hidden in your heart:  What are you praying for?  Do you pray for opportunities more than character?  Do you beg for circumstantial blessings more than prayers of thanksgiving?  Or, here’s an obvious character question:  Do you pray for your leaders?  How often do you ask to take things off of their plate?  If you don’t do these basic things, it’s a sure sign that you don’t even have the character that God can bless in the first place.

So, before you switch ministry positions or switch churches, spend some time uprooting the idealism.  Otherwise, those very emotions that drive you forward may be the very things that short-circuit your calling.

“Dear Heavenly Father, help us live a life worthy of the callings we’ve received (Eph. 4:1ff).  Help us only seek the promotions you have for us.  Help us enjoy what we’ve already got to the fullest measure possible.  In Jesus’ name.”

Go to PART ONE of “Top Mistakes of Rookie Leaders” . . . . . . . . . . PART THREE of “Top Mistakes of Rookie Leaders”

Keep in mind, there’s a huge difference between Skeptics vs. Cynics.  Skeptics are intellectually neutral but Cynics have already made up their mind.  Skeptics struggle with doubts. Cynics struggle with trust.  That’s why, over the years, I’ve noticed that information usually helps the Skeptic; but Cynics really don’t care about great intellectual arguments.  Which is why, when you address them with good intellectual information, it doesn’t change anything.  And cynicism isn’t limited to atheists.  Many Christians are cynical too.

But wherever you find yourself on this journey of life, you’re going to enjoy the next month here at Substance.  For example, in upcoming weeks, we’re going to tackle “Arguments for the Existence of God” (Apr 21st), Why doesn’t God Answer every Prayer? (Apr.28^th);  And if we have time towards the end of the series, we’ll hit other tough subjects like: “Are science and faith compatible?”  “How reliable is the Bible?” or, “How can a loving God create an eternal Hell?”

But this weekend (Apr 14^th), I’m going to talk about the “the Science of Miracles.”  I’ve been uncovering some amazing research that may altar how you think about miracles.  Over the last century, there’s been a huge effort to argue that faith and science are at odds with one another.  And yes, there have clearly been some hairy moments throughout the centuries.  Yet, most historians actually credit Christianity as causing the rise of the scientific method.  As famous scientists like Sir Isaac Newton have said, if faith is used responsibly, it can actually lead you to greater depths of intellectual honestly.

Like I mentioned on Easter, 41% of Substance’s attendees did not go to any church or have any real relationship with God only two years ago.  Even more, many of our people are very well educated.  At times, it feels like half our church has their master’s degrees.  (Which shouldn’t surprise us, as we’re surrounded by dozens of universities).  But what I love about our audience is that they always have thoughtful questions.  In fact, I actually love skeptics because, once again, healthy skepticism actually unearths true faith.

Like I shared in my book Pharisectomy, I actually enjoy theological & intellectual tension in my church – provided that it’s a conversation filled with humility.  After all, there’s nothing that drives people to scripture more than theological tension.  For example, most of us didn’t give a rip about certain doctrines or theological issues until we, or someone we loved, started struggling with it – or started dying. But it’s foolish to simply wait around until crisis happens before we wrestle with issues. That’s why the best disciplers are tension-makers more than teachers.  They stimulate a safe amount of soul tension… causing us to wrestle without the extreme emotions that accompany times of crisis.

And hopefully, our new series “Stumped” will accomplish that for you.  Thankfully, I had plenty of thoughtful mentors to help me process my toughest questions.  Remember, if you want a smaller environment to ask your tough questions (without a church-service component), consider coming out to our Alpha experience at our Operation Center this Monday (Apr 14^th at 6:30p).  Every Monday, over 100 people come and have great conversations (+ a free meal).  The whole experience is designed for people with tough questions.

But get ready Substance, we’re about to have a lot of fun with this series.  I’ll be posting additional ideas right here!  Love you guys!

For example, for those of you who’ve read Pharisectomy, I wrote about the time at my first church when I cussed in the pulpit – forgetting that the children’s ministry shared a thin wall with my auditorium.  You see, pastoring is a lot like quarterbacking… most of our mistakes happen in front of people.  Thankfully, however, we don’t have to learn from the school of hard-knocks.  Instead, we can learn from wisdom.

As a church that’s filled with up-and-coming leaders, I’m constantly being asked:  “What are some of the most common rookie mistakes that new pastors and full-time ministers make?”  So over the next week, this blog series is going to focus on some of my top mistakes as a rookie pastor.  [Click here for Part Two;  Part Three; ]

But Part One’s Rookie Mistake is this:

I Underestimated the Power of Spiritual Warfare:

We’ve all read Ephesians 6:11-12.  We all know that there are “spiritual forces of evil” who have “schemes.” But the reason why Paul reminded us of this is because: WE FORGET!  Leaders experience a constant temptation to falsely assume our problems are with people (a.k.a. flesh and blood) when they’re not.  The devil is a “thief” whose mission is to “destroy” (Jn. 10:10).  He robs us of energy all the time with silly things.

The Bible repeatedly shows him whispering half-truths into people’s ears (Mt. 4).  He even whispered to a boy, “throw yourself into a fire and kill yourself” (Mk.9).  And his attacks are very strategic.  Which is why the Bible says that Satan waits “until opportune time[s]” (Lk. 4:13).  And this is especially more common for those in leadership.

For example, most of you reading this blog have a boss, mentor or “upline” that you answer to.  I want you to think about this person for a second because, quite likely, that leader has more spiritual attacks than you do. They possess an influence that the devil wants to erode. And the devil doesn’t “play fair.”  He’ll attack this person’s kids, health, finances and emotional energy.  And if you’ve got any weaknesses, he’ll even use you to launch his attacks.

By this point, you’re probably thinking:  ”Well, I’m in leadership too.”  And, yes, that means you too have a target on you.  Unfortunately, as a immature leader, I was slow to see this.  As a result, I burned a LOT of emotion getting caught up in staff drama.  I.e., I mistook spiritual warfare for “leadership problems.” And because I thought my problem was “flesh and blood,” I also turned to earthly solutions, like politicking vs. prayer.

One morning, I woke up to a buzz of crisis texts.  One staff member was adding drama.  Another local pastor had posted disparaging statements about our church – even though his information was wrong. Then I suddenly got word that I needed to prep another message for a speaking gig that someone else cancelled on.  Yet I desperately needed a day to get ahead.  The day before, I felt like I was about to score a touchdown.  Yet, today I felt like penalties had taken me all the way back to my own end-zone.  Have you ever had a day like this?

Everything in me wanted to go into crisis mode.  I felt so anxious that, the last thing I wanted to do was pray and read my Bible.  Yet, even still, I forced myself into a posture of submission.  That day I read 1 Samuel 2:9 “It is not by strength that one prevails.”  And after a long sigh, I decided to lay everything down before God.

Within minutes, it seemed like every crisis began to resolve itself!  The local pastor called and apologized… admitted his information was all bad.  The staff situation was being mitigated by another person on my team.  And suddenly, my speaking gig got cancelled.  I remember the moment when I sat in my office thinking:  “Whoa!  Was it really that simple?”

So, do you have any relational conflicts that are nagging you today?  Has someone’s decisions / critiques / social media posts gotten under your skin? Have you considered that your real problem (and real solution) could be entirely resolved in prayer?

Like Jesus said to the Apostle Peter (on the night he was betrayed), “Don’t you realize I have twelve legions of angels available to me.“  Indeed, if we live by the sword, we die by the sword.  So wherever you minister, stop swinging your sword over staff tussles, fears, or ideological disputes.  Ironically, you could be the very person being used by the devil to bring strife into your church.  So stop.  Pray.  And why?  “It is not by strength that one prevails.”

Go to PART TWO of “Top Mistakes of Rookie Leaders” . . . . . . . . . . PART THREE of “Top Mistakes of Rookie Leaders”

And yet, I haven’t answered the most important question of all:  What if you’re dating a vampire or a werewolf?  Of course, there’s a huge rise in vampire and werewolf dating since the Twilight movies came out – a disturbing trend to say the least.  I thought about devoting this blog to the question: “What about dating pirates?” But, Johnny Depp is so 2007.  So, seriously, if you find yourself “imprinting” with a werewolf or vampire, at least heed the following guidelines.

If you’re dating a vampire… make sure he’s a Christian vampire (the blood of Christ is the only thing that truly satisfies).  As per our last blog:  Make sure he/she (said-vampire) has, at least, 4-7 intimate Christian friends and a ministry in a local church.  Don’t date one of those vampires who’s technically a “Christian” yet has all sorts of “problems” with the local church.  I know that churches and vampires have a long problematic history; and, I know that churches can be less than perfect; but, the church is God’s hope for the world.  And Christ’s relationship to the church (the bride of Christ) is actually the ultimate template for marriage (see Eph. 5).

So, don’t date any Christian vampire who has so many opinions about church that they’re virtually incompatible with it.  Many of them will try to confuse you with intense theories about home-churches or how tithing is wrong (even though they ironically never truly commit themselves to fellowship or financial generosity).  They usually have sad stories about how Christians tried to drive a cross-shaped stake through their chests (at that one youth-group sleep-over); but, they are the ones doing most of the biting.  Inevitably, they will suck the life out of your spirituality (pardon the pun).

But you rebut: “I can change him!!  He told me I have an ‘old soul!’”  But listen to me Loved One:  Have you ever bitten a vampire and they became normal?  No you haven’t!  Indeed, last time you bit someone, you probably got fired from your job to prevent a lawsuit – (once again, see point #1, in part one).

Lastly, don’t be wowed by their successful jobs and apparent academic “success” (see the picture below). If you could retake your senior year of high-school a hundred times, you’d look smart too.  Indeed, if a vampire was really living up to his/her (said vampire’s) potential, they should be at a Mark Zuckerberg level (which, on a side note, really gets me thinking.)  Long-story-short: If your vampire had 300 years to do something, and they’re still average, this vampire isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer.

James C Calhourn, Seventh Vice-President of the U.S. – But we know what you really are.

Werewolves are a totally different issue. Sure, werewolves might be hot both literally and figuratively – a dead give-away is that they love to slowly take their shirts off – (not to be confused with Fabio – who has a totally different issue).  Werewolves often hide anger issues.  Thus, Prov. 22:24 “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered.”

Thankfully, Jesus had a lot to say about “wolves”.  And, if you’ve read my book Pharisectomy, I devoted two entire chapters to “rabbid dogs” (pet-purposes) and how they affect your church experiences.  So, as we talk about werewolves, the parallels will blow your stinkin’ mind away.

Werewolves love to debate theology more than is healthy.  They’re usually not Calvinists (that’s a vampire thing).  Rather, they howl about end-times theology (probably, because of the moon turning to blood).  But their defining attribute is that they get a bit over-passionate and hot-tempered about church debates in general.

So keep in mind:  You want to be married to a person who picks their battles wisely.  When less than 9.1% of Americans even consistently go to an evangelical or charismatic church of any kind, we can’t afford to allow werewolves “in sheep’s clothing” to lure us into their ill-advised civil wars.  Remember, “wisdom from heaven is …peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy,” etc. (James 3:17).  So stay away from anyone who advocates “truth” to the exclusion of these characteristics.  After all, they will make the same mistakes when it comes to marriage.

Unlike a werewolf, you want to be married to a good communicator – a person who “fights fair.”  Prov. 16:32 “Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city.”  As any good marriage counselor would say:  “Talk out your emotions. Don’t act them out.”  And werewolves have a tragic history of doing the latter.  Of course, they always rationalize their bad behavior saying: “No one understands me!” (as they abandon you to run off with their “pack” at the local sports bar.)  But there are plenty of good hairy men who channel their emotions towards healthy activities, like working out, or dog rehabilitation (see the Dog Whisperer).

Common Myths about Single Vampires and Werewolves:

- Myth:  They shrink back when they see a crucifix:  Actually, they still wear cross necklaces and get Christian tattoos. Don’t fall for their “I’m-technically-a-Christian” routine.

- Myth:  Vampires primarily live in Seattle.  As I write this in late Winter, half of Minneapolis looks like a vampire. And yes, vampires definitely fit-in better in northern places—but we know better…(Angelina Jolie & Cher… you haven’t fooled me one bit.)

- Myth: Most Vampires believe in Abstinence.  Dear children, it’s time you grow wise to the ways of this world.  Vampires always have ulterior motives.  And especially, don’t fall for the classic werewolf pick-up line to warm you up on their bare-chest. (F.Y.I., Most werewolves don’t have “bare chests” …DUH! …only in Hollywood!)

Also Note:  In part one of my “Dating without Dying” series, I stated that “who you are is who you attract.”  So, if you keep attracting vampires and werewolves, you should consider that, just maybe, you are one.  You probably just thought, “Wow, I sunburn easily!”  Or, “why do my close friends keep dying?” (& other such things).  So, once again, as stated in part two of this series, Find a good Christian Mentor who can help you!  Your life doesn’t have to suck (once again, pardon the pun).

Last but not least… don’t marry anyone who doesn’t have a sense of humor. Life is hard enough.  You need to smile, even when it comes to serious issues.  If you seriously object to the vampire humor in this blog, then you will absolutely enjoy my book “Pharisectomy”— written just for you (& wolves).

As always, stay full of the “righteousness, joy, and peace of the Holy Spirit” (Rom. 14:17). And join us this Easter!  We’re launching an amazing new series on the toughest questions about faith.  And I mean tough questions:  ”How do we know God exists?  Why do we believe the Bible?  How can a loving God create hell?”  So don’t miss it!  We’ve been prepping for months!  Love you guys!

Link to “Dating without Dying” Part ONE . . . . . .  Link to “Dating without Dying” Part TWO . . . Link to First Comes Love

Of course, I love the classic break-up lines:  “You know… let’s just take a break for a while” (I call this “the procrastinator”); or then there’s the “Let’s not be exclusive yet…” (which usually means:  “There’s another hottie I’m hoping will pan out first“).  Although, the all-time classic is this: “It’s not you, it’s me!” (I actually used this one in 9th grade).  Of course, when my wife broke up with me, she had the guts to reverse this:  “It’s not me. It’s you.  It’s all you.“  And Yes, I got upset.  But I had some growing up to do.  And thankfully, God had a happy ending for us.

But dating can be messy if single people don’t have good boundaries.  Obviously, in a church filled with single people, I see more dating disasters in a month than most pastors see in a decade.  But if you missed part one of this blog series, [click here] before you take in more scandalous excitement.  But for those who want more, I’ve got some extra “tried and true” ideas that will help weed out the joy-sucking vampires. (And in part 3 of this blog series, I will devote an entire blog to the question:  What do I do if I’m dating a Werewolf or a Vampire? (or both)…I’m not kidding.  Part 3 is already written).

But before you read on, keep in mind, the following advice is PG-13.  Indeed, I get a little explicit in the following paragraphs.  So, I wouldn’t link this blog to your 6^th grade niece (who thinks she needs dating advice).  So let the straight-talk begin!

Tip #4. Don’t let Sexuality Muddle the Discernment Process:  Choosing a spouse can be complicated enough.  Most single people have lists of unrealistic expectations.  Before I got married, I had a huge number of superficial things on my criteria list.  And now that I’ve been with my spouse for the last twenty years, my criterion have become much more refined.  But if you want to confuse yourself, simply allow the relationship to get physical.

In my book Pharisectomy, I listed all sorts of statistical results of pre-marital sex.  Everything from abuse to lack of sexual fulfilment increases with the frequency of sexual involvement.  Of course, if you’ve made mistakes, God can totally redeem you – provided you’re willing to put time into healing.  But the worst stat is this:  88% of those who cohabitate will not marry the person they’re having sex with.  In fact, co-habitation is almost a certain death-blow for long-term relationships.  The fire of intimacy just doesn’t last long outside of the fire-place.  Ironically, orgasm rates are much higher for married women.  But, in dating, here’s how “physicality” adds confusion.

Dating is supposed to be a time when you’re evaluating your compatibility with someone.  It’s a logical process where emotions should be tethered and objective.  But the moment the relationship gets physical, it releases a tidal wave of chemicals.  Sex has a way of eliminating all discernment.  Indeed, God created it to be somewhat of a narcotic to smooth out the rough patches of intimacy – perfect for a married couple in their first five years.  Unfortunately, when it’s toxically introduced outside of marriage, many people get addicted to relationships that are a terrible match – exclusively because the relationship has gone physical.

Another side effect is something I call “forbidden fruit syndrome.”  Sin adds a zing to things.  It’s like sneaking out of your house at night when you were a kid.  You crossed that same threshold all the time; but, when it’s in the middle of the night, there was a certain rush to it – like Adam and Eve when they ate from the forbidden tree.

In the same way, sex outside of marriage has a certain zing to it.  I’ve noticed that, for many couples who messed around before marriage, the moment they get married, their sex-lives plummeted because it’s no longer “forbidden.”  As Solomon put it: “Stolen water is sweet; food eaten in secret is delicious!” But Solomon continued that these approaches to sexuality lead to “the depths of the grave” (Prov. 9:17-18)  Thus, to enjoy sex, people with “forbidden fruit syndrome” feel a chronic need to add sinful things to it in order to have fun – porn, BDSM, whips and chains, or other bizarre fetishes.  (Hence, 50-shades of gray).  I.e., they have to make it “evil” for it to still feel good. The only problem is… there’s no end to this, except for partner swapping.  As a result they forfeit the grace that God gives to couples who put him first in all things.

Again, like I mentioned in Pharisectomy, Christian women (with regular church attendance) tend to have much higher orgasm rates than the general population!  Some of the largest and most methodically sound studies on sex routinely show that abstinence (before marriage) and church attendance (after getting married) directly correlate with higher levels of sexual fulfillment (see citations in Pharisectomy).  And you thought church attendance didn’t really matter!  But, in light of all this?  How does a young couple stay pure?  And how might this change the way people date?

A while back I heard of a study showing how intimacy leads to sex.  (I can’t find the citation for it… so believe it at your own risk : ) But the gist of the study was this:  After surveying a large sample of dating couples, after an average of 1000 hours of emotional bonding, couples will consumate their relationship with sex – regardless of their moral upbringing.  For example, even Christians who were taught to keep sex in marriage still ended up having it after logging roughly 1000 hours of emotional bonding with this person.

In other words, the study seemed to suggest that God has built a natural “Intimacy timeline” into our bodies.  If we bond with people emotionally, there is a natural impulse to bond physically – even if we morally or logically disagree with doiong so.  Thus, many Christian researchers think that long-engagements are foolish because there’s a virtual guarantee that the couple will have pre-marital sex (increasing the odds of forbidden fruit syndrome or other sexual short-circuits.)

Naturally, there are many guidelines we could extrapolate from such studies.  First off, the “Thousand Hour Principle” gives us insight into how adultery happens in the workplace.  If we have unguarded emotional intimacy with the opposite sex, we’re playing with fire.  That’s why I believe it’s foolish for men and women to be “best friends” with the opposite sex. (Somebody always starts liking the other).  But the study also suggests that dating couples should spend their 1000 hours well!

For example, whenever a couple starts dating, I ask them a simple question:  Do you want to remain sexually pure?  If so, then, you’ve got to be mindful of the 1000 hour principle.  If you spend 25 hours a week with your partner, do the math.  Are you ready to be married within 40 weeks?  (Most of them are not… as it would mean setting a wedding date immediately.)  Yet, many of them hate the idea of slowing down the intimacy.  After all, the American model of dating is basically to pretend you’re married after the first few dates.  Thus, to pace a relationship for both discernment and sexual purity almost seems weird according to the American dating paradigm.  But, for a culture that annually spends 103 billion dollars on divorce costs each year, (and twice as much on porn), there’s ample reason to try a different approach.

Keep in mind, the “thousand hour” principle is only an average. If you’ve never been kissed, you probably won’t struggle as much as a person who’s flung-wide the doors of youthfulness.  And, I’m also not suggesting that people rush into marriage simply to avoid “burning with passion.”  But if you want to experience the benefits of Christ-centered sexuality, you need to be realistic.  This leads to another tip:

5. Date in Crowds before getting Exclusive:

When you’re dating, you need to look at the “big-picture” criteria:  I.e., Is this person passionately in love with Jesus (manifested in friendships and ministry); Is this person remotely attractive to you?  Could you be best friends with this person?  Would this person fit into your family system?  Don’t get me wrong:  I’m not saying they need to be best friends with your dad or crazy brother.  But these are critical criteria that will be very hard to live with once the honeymoon period wears off.  And most of these can be discerned without ever having to get “exclusive” and isolated.  I.e., Group observation can reveal a lot of these criteria without requiring you to do a bunch of dangerous and unnecessary bonding.

Sure, there is a time to go deep.  Eventually, you’ll want to know more about their character.  Do they fight fair?  Do they spend impulsively?  Do they have a chronic discontentment issue, or an obsession with eating entire boxes of snack cakes? You may think these issues are small – perhaps even cute.  But trust me: Small turns into big really quickly (especially if they like snack cakes).

As for the other criteria:  “Do they sing?”  “Do have the same sense of humor?  Are they a good dancer? … Well, lets just say… these things really won’t matter much in the big picture (or, at the very least, they can be remedied by having “hobby friends” who share those interests).

Besides, by the time you have kids, many of your hobbies will take the back seat anyways (I know that I’m breaking some of your young idealistic bubbles right now… but somebody has to do it.)  And, some of you guys are imagining yourself to be having sex seven times a day (which it why you obsess over physical attributes); and some of you ladies imagine you’ll have endless time to discuss poetry books with your husband.  But once reality sets in… and pregnancy weight sets in… and professional responsibilities increase…  and child-development devours your budget… your criteria will shift a little.  Don’t get me wrong:  I still love a hot date with my sexy wife.  And, thankfully, child-rearing, belly-fat and job-stress can be temporary (once again, if you know how to have good boundaries).  But, in the end, you’re looking for a self-disciplined best-friend… a co-adventurer…  a person who, you wouldn’t mind waking up next to (even if they have terrible-terrible breath.)

To put it another way: Your spouse isn’t the adventure.  They are the adventure-partner.  GOD is the adventure.  And HE alone is the only one who will eternally captivate you – not some hobby-spouse or earthly dream.

But, here’s my greater point:  People get hurt in the dating process because they didn’t fully utilize “Group Observation” before getting emotionally exclusive.  Once you’ve checked out a person on the basic criteria, then start a “courtship”… ie., an exclusive relationship that lasts for a limited window of time.  Once you get exclusive, get accountability.  Go public with friends so that they can speak into your life.  Yes, it can be irritating to hear other people’s opinions.  But if you want to date someone without getting your heart ripped out (or ripping out someone else’s), then get some spiritual advisors who can help you sort things out with minimal collateral damage.  And this leads to my final tip:

6. Get a Spiritual “Dating-Mentor”:

Find a long-term Christian with a rocking marriage.  And make a decision to give them full-disclosure.  Ask them to help you steward your emotions in a way that is appropriate in the relationship.  (Don’t tattoo your girlfriend’s face on your arm… however tempting it might feel).

On the other hand, you can do what most Americans do… figure things out the hard way.  Many of them pour all of their emotions into relationships without any objectivity or due-diligence.  As Proverbs 4:23 puts it:  “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.”  And if this verse is even remotely true, then we’d be idiots to try dating without adequate guidance and accountability.

Link to Part One of “Dating without Dying” . . . . . . . . . . Link to Part THREE of “Dating without Dying”