How Vacations can Save Your Marriage (& your kids)!

Marriage don’t fall apart over-night. The initial cracks that eventually crumble a marriage started long beforehand. And these cracks usually happen when the kids are young.

When you’re dating, it’s all about getting to know each other. The relationship is all about dreaming together and treating each other and kings and queens. By engagement, you become co-managers of a conference (called a wedding).  And by young kids, the majority of your conversations will be highjacked by basic logistics: “Did you take the kids to the dentist? Did you pick up the milk? How did Zach manage to drive his bike into our neighbors BMW?”

In other words, the relationship turns from Co-adventurerors, to C0-managers, to Co-parents, to Co-existers. So, to avoid this role definition rut, you need to intentionally resist this. And I want to teach you how to do this using date nights and vacations.

Now, being a parent with young kids can be one of the most chaotic seasons of life. And if that’s you right now, don’t give up! It only gets better (IF you don’t kill them or force them into orangized crime).

My wife & I complicated our lives by planting Substance Church while having 3 kids under the age of 5 – which felt a lot like spraining your ankle…& then deciding to run a marathon to inspire people…

Needless to say, we lived at poverty level for the first 5 years of the church. But, through this time, we learned a little wisdom about how to keep our marriage strong with young kids! So, if you feel overwhelmed, read on!

The day is coming when your kid won’t need diapers. Even better, the day is coming when they’ll be able to buckle themselves into their own car seats and they’ll go to school ALL DAY LONG! And someday, they’ll even do the dishes with a good attitude (Well, let’s not get carried away here); but, my point is this: If you can survive the temporary chaos of young kids, you’re going to have a lot of fun ahead of you!

Unfortunately, a lot of marriages won’t survive to experience these types of joys. So, how can a couple reinvigorate their marriage amidst this chaos? Well, here’s one simple suggestion:

Vacation Apart from your Kids! The moment I suggest this to some couples, they erupt with excuses: “But you don’t understand my kids!” Or, “I can’t find babysitters.” Or, “you don’t understand our finances.” And unfortunately, I’ve watched the same excuses fracture marriages over and over and over again.

Yes, there is a time to travel WITH your kids. When they become teenagers, you’ll want to log as many hours with your teens as possible. (In fact, when they become teens, you’ll want to plan special vacations with EACH of your kids just to create great moments and have great convos). But, until they’re teens, here are a few things to avoid:

(1). Get Rid of this “Stay-cation” Silliness:

99% of the people who do “stay-cations” have lame-cations. Rather than exploring the world and dreaming with their spouses (which is what you did when you dated), many couples settle into “home improvement ruts.” Are they working on their marriages? Of course not, because they’re stuck in what I call, “The Co-Management Rut.” Many couples stop relating to each other as lovers and co-adventurers. Instead, they become “Co-managers of the household.” And the majority of their communication becomes hijacked by this singular role. Not surprisingly, the adultery rates for folks in this rut is quite high. So, allow me to explain why vacations can change your marriage.

Every time my wife and I place ourselves in a new location, it causes us to have conversations we normally wouldn’t have. A new context often gives birth to new dreams – or at the very least, it gives many of your old dreams the chance to reawaken. Almost every vacation we take together, it forces us to reevaluate our priorities, to realign our dreams, and enter back into our lives with newfound vision. Couples who lack this tend to feel like, instead of “living their lives,” their lives are “living them.”
Unfortunately, many people resolve their pent up middle-aged stress or grieving processes through rash decisions – having affairs, quitting dream-jobs, and making pre-mature moves. So, a good vacation isn’t merely self-indulgent; it’s a chance to reinvigorate your marriage and fill your soul with God’s greater vision for your life.

(2). Drive a Cruddy Car & Trust God for Cheap Vacations:

My wife and I drove junker cars until we were 30… And then we started upgrading to “used.” (Heck, last month, at 43 years old, we just got rid of our rusty old minivan with missing hubcaps – and we bought our first “brand new sofa”). And why did we wait so long to have these experiences? Is it because we have no concept of nice things? No! It’s because we’ve always prioritized date nights and vacations apart from our kids. We made the decision to collect “experiences more than possessions”… Don’t get me wrong: It’s ok to drive nice cars. But my point is this: spend FAR more time “dreaming together than acquiring together.”

Even more, we constantly pray for free vacation opportunities, and God always seems to show up. (We literally have a never-ending list of miracles related to this!!) Even more, there are a lot of young families in our church who would happily take your kids for a few days (especially if they knew you would return the favor).

(3). Teach your kids to become Independent:

There’s a lot of research showing that “over nurturing” or over-attached parents tend to produce unhealthy kids (for citations, see below). As one parenting researcher put it, “Kids need to learn how to ‘soothe themselves.’” Parents who don’t allow their kids to cry, or who are afraid to force their kids to go to “non-parental caretakers” tend to produce kids with lower self-regulation and negotiating skills. A large regression analysis study on parenting even put “child-independence” as one of the top 10 most significant statistical predictors of healthy kids. I.e., If you love your kids, you’ll force them to go through the trauma of “dropping them off.” To put it simply, child centered homes produce off centered marriages.

As a parent, it’s hard to endure the whining of your kids (& unfortunately, that doesn’t necessarily stop as they get older). I remember when I was a little kid, I would guilt the heck out of my parents when they’d drop me off at a day-care now and again. But, it’s safe to say: Your kids NEED you to leave them back with other caregivers now and again. And more than this, YOU need this too.

This same study ranked the “overall peacefulness of the parents” as well as the “strength of the marriage” as the second and third highest statistical predictors of child-outcomes – which shows, the greatest things that affect your kids are often “indirect things”… how well you manage yourself & your marriage. I.e., Personal health issues have a strange way of spilling over into your children. You’ve got to teach them that your marriage and relationship with God are first… even if that means enduring a few tantrums as you drop them off.

One thing is for sure: 25 years ago, when my wife and I first started dating, we had big dreams. And we were thrilled to conqueror those dreams together. When kids came along, we never allowed them to highjack our relationship or our dreams. Sure, it took a while for us to find cheap vacations (not to mention, babysitters who could handle our 3 feisty kids); but we didn’t stay stuck in excuses. And now, our kids are a complement to our marriage, not a compromise of our marriage. Indeed, one of the greatest joys of my life is watching my kids pursue these adventures with us.
Let it be the same for you!

For Further Discussion:
Ask Yourself: Are there any dynamic Christian families who are a season of life ahead of you? What kinds of vacations are they taking? What insights can you learn from them?
Vacationing is an art form… There are “Sabbath Vacations” (vacations where it’s all about rest); “Family Vacations” (vacations where it’s all about compromise in order to bond with family and have new parenting moments); and “Prayer Retreats” (vacations where you connect with God, journal, and receive God’s vision for your life). Tension occurs when we unrealistically attempt to merge all three into one. So, how have other families of similar size and ages dealt with these complex and often competing goals?

Citation:   1 “What Makes a Good Parent? – A scientific analysis ranks the 10 most effective child-rearing practices. Surprisingly, some don’t even involve the kids” Robert Epstein | Oct 28, 2010 http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/what-makes-a-good-parent/
More Science » November / December 2010

June 18, 2019 /  

Don’t Die after the Resurrection – Easter Recovery Guide for Pastors

Have you ever had a “Holy Hangover?” “What is it?” you ask? Well, it’s a numb euphoria mixed with exhaustion and shepherding stress.

For years, as a senior pastor, I used to hate Easter. Part of it was because every year our church would experience record lows in attendance on Easter – partly because 70% of our church was under 34 years old. And because they weren’t the “matriarch or patriarch,” they’d all run off to Mom or Dad’s church… & post their family pics from the “church photo booth” down the street. So when all my friends were tweeting out their record numbers, we’d be scratching our heads in defeat.

But keep in mind… a lot of pastors post numbers that are totally inflated (and if you want a good cynical laugh, see footnote 1 below).1

Of course, our Easter numbers are completely different now. We now have become a “holiday destination church” over the years.  And, yes, we’re NOW breaking records each year. However, (1). I don’t post them on social media; & (2). If I could be really vulnerable… these numbers don’t actually “fulfill me” anymore. And honestly, they’ve never actually fulfilled me.

For example, I remember about eight years ago, when we first broke 5000 at a holiday service. It was fun. But within a short time all I could think about was: How can we break that on a normal Sunday? Or, I remember when my first book Pharisectomy hit an Amazon best-seller list, you think I would’ve just stopped and celebrated for a good year. But, all I could think about is… how can I get the message out more?

“WHAT?!” You say. “How can those numbers not move you!?” YES, I love seeing lost people find Jesus; and YES, success always brings a brief boost to my mood. But despite these wins, guess what: “[my] soul finds rest in God alone” (Psm 62:1). And yours does too! God never intended our ministry accomplishments to fill us (which is why we’re always panting after the next level 🙂
Having preached over 19 Easter Sundays in two different senior pastorates, allow me to describe my typical week following Easter: Once the adrenaline wears off, there’s a tidal wave of questions that follow: “What do these numbers mean?” And some years you’ll ask: “Did our growth gimmick just temporarily suck a bunch of transfers out of ANOTHER church?” And other years you’ll ask: “Did the other churches’ gimmicks just temporarily suck a bunch of transfers out of OUR church?” (If you pastor long enough, it will go both ways 🙂

The NEXT question: Will any of these people even show up next week?  The NEXT question: Are we even remotely prepared to handle any of these people? (Usually not 🙂 Then the NEXT question: When am I going to solve my leadership pipeline problems? The NEXT question: “God, why don’t I have better resources / staff / [fill-in-the-blank]!?” (And that last question is usually more of a whiney exclamation than a real question.)

So, dearest pastor / leader / random-weird-person who’s interested in pastoral mindsets… allow me to give you some advice:
               (1). Shut up and Rest: Never analyze your church the week after Easter. If you continue to break the Sabbath commandment, you will soon break the other nine. Pastors that get addicted to holiday-highs usually get addicted to other silly things.
               (2). Don’t Compare Your Numbers with other Churches: You’ll either over-inflate your successes or cheapen your victories – neither of which are good for you. Besides, we all tend to compare numbers without comparing back-stories. Substance’s greatest growth years often happened during the years when our holiday numbers were low. And our plateau years, ironically, often immediately followed our “record-setting” service years.  So, really, if you’re trying to derive a lot of meaning from your Easter numbers, once again, refer to point #1. Shut up and Rest.
               (3). Savor “the One” Story: Every Easter you’ll have that “one person” who turned their life around. It’s easy to forget: that person is someone’s sister / brother / mom or dad. As a pastor, I believe that gratitude is God’s favorite form of worship after Easter. So, ponder this: “Those who lead many to righteousness [will shine] like the stars forever” (Dan. 12:2).

And let’s pray this out together: “Heavenly Father, thank you for allowing me to be a part of your great end-time harvest. Every weekend that we get to serve you is a treasure. And it’s amazing that you’d reward us for this! So as we rest, fill us with a renewed sense of hope and encouragement. We love you.”     Amen?

 

Footnote 1:  How pastor exaggerate their numbers:  (Step One). Have all of your kids workers do a super hard-sell for salvation. Then count all of these “kid-decisions” into your total. Then you ALWAYS look like you had huge numbers. (Which, by the way, we never include kid-decisions… only adult decisions); (Step Two). To inflate your numbers, add all of your Good Friday Service attendance numbers to your Easter Sunday numbers (even though a huge number of these people are duplicates); (Step 3). When you add extra services for Easter, count all of your volunteers and repeat attendees in the total (i.e., you have a huge number of hardcore people who’ve attended two, sometimes 4 services). (Step 4). When you give your salvation call… have people simply raise their hands and count them. If you force people to fill out a card, or even more… do a text-number for salvation, it will decrease the number.

Now, obviously… I’m joking about the four steps above. We don’t do ANY of these things. And we certainly don’t publish our numbers online. YES, it’s O.K. to celebrate wins with your volunteers. But, I try to do that in ways that avoid social media.

April 22, 2019 /  1

How To Invite People to an Easter Service – Practical Advice

Easter is coming! And at Substance, we have been planning an amazing service for a long time. But why? We want you to invite your friends! Did you know that 82% of unchurched people stated they would go to church if they were invited by someone1. Yet, less than 2% of Christians ever invite people. But Why?

Well, let’s be honest: Most churches are quite hostile to outsiders – or, at the very least, are so encumbered in intimidating traditions that, most Christians are smart to not invite their friends.

That’s why we’ve designed Substance in such a way where, “You will never understand WHY we do what we do unless you regularly invite your unchurched neighbor.” In fact, half of the reason why we record music videos and produce sitcoms, etc, is so that you can share it with your friends on social media. And they can say: “Wow… I never though church could be like that.”

But, if you’re still intimidated about inviting people this weekend, allow me to make it super simple:

(1). Think about all the people you interact with on a regular basis (friends, coworkers, extended family); and ask yourself: “Of all these people, who am I anointed to reach RIGHT NOW?” I.e., Chances are, there’s at least 1 or 2 who, you feel a divine chemistry with – someone you know would be open to the idea – or, at the very least, they’re open to spending time with you doing something fun.

(2). Simply share with them the invite graphic from our Substance Social media sites – (See: https://substancechurch.com/easter ) Or, just make it personal: “Hey, would you like to spend Easter with me? I’d love to hang with you. And I go to a super fun church. I figured we could go together and then hang out afterwards.” Again, 82% would probably say “Yes.” Or, send them a link to Substance I.O. or Substance Variant (on Youtube). https://youtu.be/6tXP849FpOo

Tell them: “These were filmed at my church.” And, at the very least, it will communicate: “We’re big enough where we won’t single you out or bore you to death.”

(3). If they’re receptive, make it easy for them: Pick them up and go together. Or, meet them in the foyer. Bring them a coffee. Brag up our kids ministry. Just be a good host.

(4). Last, but not least, Don’t feel the pressure to “influence them.” According to the Bible, it’s not your job to convict the world of their sin. It’s the Holy Spirit’s job (Jn. 16:8). And you can rest assured that our entire service is going to be designed to provoke thoughts and make it fun. All you need to do it enjoy it alongside your friend!

But here’s the truth: Every year, we hear amazing stories of transformation. Every year, people have radical God-encounters that cause our church members to think: “Wow. I never saw that person being SOOOO open to Christ.” Indeed, my own salvation probably felt the same. If someone would have looked at my outward appearance, they probably would’ve thought: There’s no way that person is open to God. Yet, I was crying out for more.

So, I’ll end with Paul: “I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ.” – Philemon 1:6 (NIV)

And help us out: At our Northtown Campus, our service times are 8:30a – 10a – 11:30a – And if you can come early or late, it will help it be better for every one. Downtown times are 15 minutes later: 8:45a – 10:15a – 11:45a. Perhaps consider bringing them downtown and telling them the miracle story of how we got it : ) –> click here to remember! –> https://substancechurch.com/history (I share the cool picture of my daughters vision there!)

 

  1. According to researcher Dr. Tom Rainer

 

April 17, 2019 /  

Time Parasites – How To Free Up 30% of your Time

Young pastors are always asking me the question: “How do you find the time to do everything? You write sermons & blogs; video scripts & tweets; and then, somehow amidst all of this, you find the time to lead an organization?! How do you do it?”

Truth be told: there are many days when I feel like a total and complete failure! For years, I never wanted to teach on time management because, I felt like I was so terrible at it! But, as I look back, God has definitely expanded my capacity. And if you keep reading, I’m going to spill a few secrets by teaching you a little four-step exercise which could probably free up 30% of your busyness over the next 3 months! (I know, it sounds sensational. But it’s true.)

For example, we all know that we should be spending more time on strategic planning, recruiting, delegating, etc. In short, we should be working ON our ministries and organizations, not IN our ministries. But how do we shift? Through 4 simple steps.

But, one last thing: These tricks are specifically designed for those who lead in churches or nonprofits. But, even if you don’t lead in these environments, I still believe you’ll benefit from the concepts. And here they are:

 

(1). Write down your Day to Day / Week to week / Yearly job tasks/responsibilities? (Bullet point them).

i.e., don’t just focus on weekly responsibilities, but the things that transcend your department: (For Eg.,) Christmas services; fundraisers, or obligations that transcend your department. In light of the big picture, what are the tasks that simply make no sense for you to be doing? Make a “not to do list.” Chances are, there’s about 10% of your activities that simply should be eliminated in light of the others.

(2). Look down a List of Ministry Volunteers /Friends – & Delegate: Do you have anyone who’s capable of doing 80% of the quality that you could do? If so, begin writing their names after specific responsibilities. Chances are, there is another 10% of your activities that could be immediately delegated!

(3). Create an Invite/ Recruitment Plan: Every one of us has people sitting on the fringes of our lives who are totally inactive or unfulfilled when it comes to ministry ownership. Do you know of any volunteers who could be invited into higher levels of leadership and servanthood (Eg., under-utilized spouses, friends)? Most people will not step into higher levels of commitment and maturity unless they’re asked. Brainstorm a list of people who could use such an invitation. What are you going to do this month to personally invite them? Chances are, within 3 months, you could probably delegate another 10 to 20% of your activities.

(4). What is one thing, that if you did/stopped doing on a regular basis, would make the biggest difference on your ministry?This one singular question can change everything for you if you meditate on it on a regular basis. And in some ways, you could apply this question to anything: your marriage, your parenting, even your spiritual growth.

As one example: almost every ministry or department has what I like to call a “skill cliff” – it’s a certain set of skills that are required to maintain the quality and integrity of that department. Of course, the problem with skill cliffs are that they become bottlenecks for volunteers. Very few volunteers have the time or ability to acquire the skills necessary to serve at the next level. And those of us with those special talents often times work twice as often simply because, “no one else can do it!”

But, if you ever plan to Sabbath (or delegate, for that matter), you are going to need to learn how to build ladders (& eventually escalators) for these skill cliffs in your department (i.e., figure out how to train volunteers or simplify processes).

Generally speaking, we already know the answer to this (after all, we are in our position because we figured out how to scale that cliff!) So, this 4th question simply focuses our attention on the answer we already know. But what is that for you?

            Of course, it should go without saying: pray your guts out that God would help you “redeem your time.” And last but not least, if you have a boss or upline, make sure that you include them in on this process – lest your quest for efficiency gets interpreted as rebellion! : )

But, here’s the big picture: As I look back on my life, many of my successes came after I gave myself to these 4 steps. Why? Because I learned how to work ON my ministry, as opposed to getting stuck working IN my ministry. In fact, now, I process these questions almost every 6 months. As our responsibilities expand, we need to constantly reassess where we spend our time. And especially for those of us who are pastors: There are souls at stake!

So “Heavenly father, help us to live our lives in a way that makes sense in light of eternity. In Jesus name, amen.”

April 9, 2019 /  

6 Golden Rules for Creating Your “Life Plan”

There is something almost magical about a written life plan. Years ago, at the beginning of each year, I would write down my “roles & goals.” Over time, I’ve started revising and expanding that plan every three months. In some ways, it’s a master plan for my year; but, it’s also a prayer journal. As I look back, it’s amazing to see how many goals I’ve achieved and habits I’ve acquired. In many ways, I’m a completely different person because of the discipline of Life Planning.

All throughout the Bible, God has given his people strategic plans. In Genesis 37, God gave Joseph detailed dreams to enable him to become the 2nd most powerful man on earth. In Exodus 31, God gave Moses a detailed strategy on how to build the tabernacle, and even gave him insight on the exact leaders he should include to pull it off. And in Joshua 6 God gave Joshua a super clear battle strategy on how to approach Jericho. God wants to speak to us about His plans for us! He wants to give us HIS strategy. In fact, for many of us, the very reason we’re discouraged is because we keep approaching our problems in the same old way. And this is not at all what God has planned for us! Jesus himself said, “I came that you might have life to the fullest.” (John 10:10). And, in order to experience this, we’ve GOT to get in sync with God’s plan! But, there are so many of us who don’t know how to go about getting this plan.

So, here’s where we’re headed: I want to explain HOW to write a truly transformational life plan. Some of you are just one habit away from a huge breakthrough in realizing God’s plan for your life. In working through my own life plan hundreds of times over the years, I’ve refined the process down to 6 Golden Rules that will help you maximize the fruitfulness of your life plan.

  1. Write down your goals, plans, and dreams.
    • What are the significant roles God has you playing this year?
    • What one thing could you do (or stop doing) that, if you did on a regular basis, would make a tremendous difference in your personal, professional, or spiritual life?
    • If God was to suggest an adjustment in your life today, what do you think He would tell you?
    • What are some goals for each specific role and/or issue?
    • What could be the best imaginable outcome of you achieving these goals?
    • What could potentially stand in the way of accomplishing each goal?
  2.  Submit your plan to the Lord through scriptures, mentoring, and prayer
    • Would any of your plans contradict the teachings of scripture? What encouragements or cautions would your spiritual friends give you about your plans?
    • Who are the godly people in your life who have successfully navigated some of the goals and/or problems you are facing? And what are you going to do to earn the right to be around them?
    • After refining your goals through the previous two filters, what does your gut tell you?
  3. Convert all your dreams into fun goals…then into small habits
  4. Detail your plans TEN times more than you think necessary
  5. Positive habits form because of frequency, not quality and quantity
    • What are some tiny “2 minute” habits that would prove to you that you are becoming the person you hope to be?
    • What will be your daily trigger for these habits?
  6. Negative habits die because of dissection and displacement
    • What is this bad habit (or sin) my answer to?
    • What would God have me do instead to meet this need?
    • Who or What are the conditions, environments, and triggers for this negative behavior?
    • How can we control our conditions to avoid triggers or pre-decide an alternate response to overcome triggers?

Once you sit down and spend some time truly asking yourself these questions and using these 6 golden rules to write your life plan, you’ll begin to have new clarity and new faith. Our spoken prayers and written plans have power, and when our faith is activated, motivation and miracles follow! When we work on the mess, God works on the miracle. He’s ready to speak to you and ready to move in your life right now. Are you ready to take the next step and create a life plan that coincides with God’s amazing plans for you? Click here for a detailed worksheet that will help you get started!

To watch the sermons that correspond with writing your life plan, see parts 6, 7, and 8 of the teaching series “Changeable,” found here.

February 17, 2019 /  3

Several Reasons to Love the Deep Freeze! – Let’s Hate Summer Together

It gets STINKIN’ COLD in Minnesota… like, the windchill for the next day is, honest-to-God, -45-65F degrees below zero. And for the record, it often gets way warmer here than most people think during the summer… often as hot as Florida (and maybe some of you nerdy folks can explain why that is??)

But, I want to encourage you with several reasons to LOVE the DEEP FREEZE!

Did you know: Crime rates and murder rates tend to drop.1  Snuggling is more common (just google “Polar Vortex Babies” and you’ll know what I mean). Shivering burns more calories. Cold weather also tends to increase productivity!2. When we sit on our leather car seats, it doesn’t feel like hot lava is erupting onto our inner thighs. And hey,… no mosquitoes!

Even the Bible says to be grateful for the cold: “Sing to the Lord with grateful praise…He spreads snow like wool and scatters the frost like ashes…Who can withstand his icy blast?” Psalm 147:7,16-17.

But if you’re struggling with the cold, here are a few ways to chill-out (pardon the expression):

(1). Unfollow all your friends who brag about their tropical weather:  They are losers with sweaty underpants who live in higher crime areas and have less babies. It’s that simple.

(2). Embrace and perpetuate terrible clichés like: “Let’s get positive about the negative.” “There’s no bad weather, just bad clothing.” “Do I have a fever? Because you are giving me chills?” Or my personal favorite: “Can you hold my gloves for a second? I usually warm them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.” (Note: My legal team advises you to not say this to your boss or co-workers).

(3). Compare yourself to the weather on Mars: It’s a high of -19F today… (which, I realize is oddly close to Minnesota); however, Mars is going to drop to -111F tonight! Idiot Martians. I can’t believe they live there.

(4). Grow a Thick Beard (& Yes, I’m talking to women too… it’s ok to admit you have random facial hairs).

(5). Embrace “Denture face” – In the North, we’ve all been there – you’re running into the grocery store and your teeth spontaneously freeze because you foolishly decided to smile at a cute baby… So, the remedy: Pull your lips tightly over your teeth like you just had them all removed. Yes, you look like an angry old grandpa; but, remember… you’re burning more calories. You’re less likely to get mugged. And when you get home, you can tell your loved one: “This sidewalk must be unsalted, because I just fell for you.” And Finally,

(6). Listen to Bob Marley on your way to church this Sunday. Trust me. If you do this, it will be the highlight of your week. YES… we DID have to cancel our church events on Tues & Wed (including our giant Volunteer Appreciation Party :(. But, by Super Bowl Sunday, I’ll be bringing the heat! And you will not want to miss it!

In downtown, remember, you can take the indoor skyway to within a few steps of church! (And yes, it will be warmer there compared to last Sunday as we prep for our new HVAC and future video wall there). And I’ll be in the pulpit with a super-fun message! Be sure to invite your frozen friends.

Love you all! Stay warm.

Ps,. I included a few of my favorite “I Hate Summer Memes” below…

Footnotes:

  1. http://time.com/3716446/cold-weather-good-things/
  2. https://www.nyaledarskapet.se/en/blogg/actually-something-positive-cold-weather-blizzards/
January 29, 2019 /  1

The Art of Confrontation – How to Share Tough Truths in a life-giving Way

Have you ever wondered why some people can say “difficult” things and people receive it, while others simply open their mouths and people freak out?

Over the years, I’ve noticed that two different people can share the exact same truth; yet, to the one truth-teller, people respond with anger and to the other, they melt into a puddle of conviction, saying: “Would you help me?”

So, for years, I’ve asked the question: Why do SOME people have this power and others do not? Even more, how can I acquire such skills? Whether you’re a parent, a boss, a teacher, or a friend, we will ALL have moments when we need to be painfully honest with the people around us. And unfortunately, confrontation is an art form that a lot of people haven’t learned yet.

Thankfully, Jesus outlined 5 life-giving commands we need to follow when we confront, [& if you missed part 3 of our teaching series “Changeable,” you can read these 5 ideas here: Confrontation_Notes. A lot of times, people aren’t rejecting our “truth” as much as the “way we shared it.” But, lets be honest: Sharing truths with people is the easy part… but earning the RIGHT to share truth is a whole different matter. And with this in mind, allow me to introduce you to a powerful – even magical – principle called the “Check Book Theory” that will enable you to become the “lovable truth-teller.”

The checkbook theory has many names. In his best-selling book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey called it an emotional bank account. Others call it a love sandwich, but that name creeps me out. Here’s the gist: People are like checking accounts. Some Christians have acquired the misguided notion that believers are called to confront the entire universe and do so in some freaky weird ways.

You’ve got to make deposits before you can make withdrawals. If you write a check you cannot cash, it’s called bouncing a check. (You see, young people, in the old days people actually got punished for spending money they didn’t have. Sounds like a very scary world, doesn’t it?) Banks would sometimes fine you fifty dollars for writing checks with insufficient funds. So, the analogy goes, if you confront someone (make a withdrawal) without first loving on them (making a deposit), you’ll certainly make them mad (bounce a check).

You should be able to do an amazingly intense confrontation without a person freaking out, provided that you’ve made an adequate amount of deposits of love. After all, these deposits reveal your love for them. For example, we’ve all been confronted by people who didn’t give a rip about us. And not surprisingly, we all responded in the same way, “Who are YOU to tell ME I shouldn’t pee in a public shower?” or something similar. (Just kidding. That didn’t actually happen).

We all hate it when people share truths without first giving us empathy or showing us that they care. And why? We live in a culture where people share truths for selfish reasons all the time. Honestly, we all operate with this conditional teachability as a matter of survival. Depending on the source, I’ve read that the average person experiences between six hundred and three thousand advertisements per day. Regardless of the exact number, we can all agree that a ton of ads bombard us each day. We live in a world where things are constantly being marketed to us: “You need this new car/wardrobe/ electronic gadet/etc.”

We live in a world of endless truth claims. All throughout church history we see that even biblical truth has been constantly peddled for selfish gain. Our emotions protect us from such liars by conditioning our teachability. We all secretly ask, “Does this person really care about me? Will he inconveniently show me selfless love? Or is he just trying to take advantage of me, and sucker me into a colon-cleanse?”

As a general rule, if you’re ever scared to confront a certain person, ask yourself, “Have I made an adequate amount of deposits?” or “Have I shown them the type of love that they can understand?” If not, there’s often a good reason why you’re scared. You know you’re about to bounce a check. Any idiot can share the truth, but earning the right to share truth is a totally different issue.

When applied to parenting, it can be profound. Your household can operate with an amazing number of high standards provided that your deposits of intelligible love exceed your demands. Thus, when kids rebel from their “Pharisee Parents,” it’s usually not a result of stringent boundary making. After all, I know many parents who are incredibly restrictive, yet their strong-willed kids never rebel for long. Rather, rebellion is usually the child’s way of saying, “Your love isn’t translating into my language; therefore, all I see is oppressiveness.”

All throughout Scripture, we see God using the checkbook theory. Just think about the story of Zacchaeus (Luke 19), or when Jesus ministered to the woman at the well (John 5). It was a massive gesture of kindness that He was even willing to talk to a woman like her in public. In fact, Jesus was so committed to making loving deposits that, despite the church rebukers of His day, He constantly risked His own reputation to hang out with tax collectors and sinners (Luke 5:27). “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Rom. 5:8). “We love because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19). “God’s kindness leads [us] towards repentance” (Rom. 2:4).

It’s also interesting to note that Jesus constantly healed people – demonstrating the mercy of heaven – while He preached truth. And when a person alters your life with such profound grace, you’re likely to listen to him even if he has tough things to say to you. A person who makes adequate deposits never has to water down the truth. Jesus simply demonstrated the deposits of heaven, such as healing and deliverance, before He demanded submission. And we would do well to emulate the Master.

I’m not saying that people will always respond after deposits. If a person is narcissistic or self-deceived, they will find a way to “play the victim.” There have been people who, no matter how many deposits I made, they still had a chronic inability to step into other people’s shoes. But, what matters is this: We gave people our best. And in the process, we became more like Christ.

So, who are you feeling stress with? How are you going above and beyond to deposit into their life?

“Lord, help us to be more like you–teach us what it means to first show empathy and love before pursuing conflict and change.”

 

January 12, 2019 /  2

21 Days of Prayer & Fasting

Here at Substance, we start every year with a season of fasting. Of course, nobody HAS to fast; but, when you understand what the Bible teaches on fasting, you’ll realize that we “get to” fast.  It’s actually an incredible opportunity.

In both the Old and New Testament, God powerfully rewarded those who fasted.  Quite simply, fasting gives us supernatural advantages in living life.  For example, the book of Isaiah says,  “those who fast get healing” (Isa. 58).  Jesus said, “those who fast get power over demonic oppression” (Mk 9).  Again, Isaiah said,  those who fast will live like kings:  “You’ll ride on the heights of the land” (Isa. 58);  When Ezra fasted, God gave protection over his kids & possessions.  When Daniel fasted, God gave him understanding (Dan. 9).  When Eleazar fasted, God gave him a woman!  (Some of you men suddenly started taking notes).  When Jesus started his earthly ministry, one of the first things he did was fast. And don’t misunderstand me:  fasting won’t make God love you more. You can’t earn your way into Heaven. However, like the author of Hebrews reminds us: “God is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him” (Heb. 11:6).

So, why then are people scared to do this discipline? Well, like any discipline, if you do it as an obligation to earn love from God, it will feel oppressive…the exact opposite feeling that God wants you to experience. Don’t get me wrong: fasting is never easy, but it’s a powerful way to discover all of the circumstantial ways we comfort ourselves outside of Christ and His word.

And keep in mind:  fasting doesn’t merely mean abstaining from food.  You can fast almost anything.  In the truest sense, fasting is a process of abstaining from something for the purpose of worship, prayer, and self-discipline.  For example, my wife will often fast sweets, desserts and candy.  Other people fast movies, social media, or even coffee.  (I realize that I just made a lot of you really nervous!)  But it’s worth it. And here’s why- it’s one of the few spiritual disciplines that reveals the truest state of our self-denial muscles. And if that sounds scary, consider your alternatives: crisis and moral failure also reveal this.  So, we have a choice: preventative humility vs. humiliation.

So how do I participate?  Well, quite simply, pray about what God would have you fast & simply join in, January 9th through the 29th! Spiritual disciplines like this can actually be quite fun when you’re doing it alongside a big group of people.

But allow me to get practical.  Every year people ask me for tips on fasting.  And for those of you who’ve never fasted before, here are a few tips to make this a fun experience:

(1).  Start out with short fasts (e.g., skip lunch):  Once you understand how it affects your body, slowly extend them to experiment: When I do 24 hour fasts, I start by eating lunch, skipping dinner/breakfast/lunch… and then break it with dinner the next night.  Many people think short fasts like this are harder than extended fasts.  After a few days, hunger pangs tend to subside.

(2).  When you fast, do it with Friends!  It helps to process your experience with other people. It also keeps you encouraged while you fast!

(3).  Give yourself extra margin and rest. When you fast, plan on going to bed early.

(4).  Drink lots of water:  You can’t survive long without water.  I prefer Gatorade (for electrolytes). And some people drink juice.

(5).  Can fasting be Dangerous? Potentially.  It can also be incredibly healthy too.  It takes about 21 days before starvation symptoms set in; so, don’t worry that you’re going to die after a 24 hour fast. 🙂  If pregnant/nursing/diabetic/etc, get counsel before any extended fast. But don’t let your fears get the best of you. I know hundreds of people who’ve done 40-days of juice only fasting. Obviously, if you’re really worried about sickness, etc., do a fruit & vegetable fast and skip everything else. Lastly, if you have a history of eating disorders, get some advice on how to apply this with the right motives.

(6). When fasting, stay in an Attitude of Worship (Isa. 58).  It sounds obvious but, remember that you’re worshipping God when you do this. So, if all you do is whine the whole time, you’re defeating the whole purpose!  Keep in mind, God responds powerfully when we seek him (Heb.11:6).

(7). Make a fasting Calendar:  I love to have variety when I fast.  So when I map out my 21 days… I almost never do “juice only” for 21 days straight.  Often, I like to mix it up.  For example, I’ll do 4 days of fruits and vegetables only (a.k.a., a Daniel Fast), then a juice only day, then a free day.  For me, I’ve found that this kind of variety helps me stay in a worshipful attitude more.  Having a “free-day” also helps if you have some sort of inescapable hosting situation (like a birthday) where you’re making your guests feel awkward by staring at them while they eat. But experiment for yourself.  Remember, this should be a fun yet challenging experience.

(8).  Ask your family to participate:  My kids have participated almost every year. One of them fasted video-games. Another fasted sweets and their precious iPhone. Use this as an opportunity to share your faith with your own family.

But one thing is for sure– This can be your best year yet, if it’s your best year spiritually.  So don’t miss out.  Let’s do this together!

Ps. Here are some fasting resources that will make it fun:

– First off, I recently preached a message on fasting at our January First Wednesday service. You can find that message here.

– If you want to know how to explain fasting to your kids, click here!

– If you want to study the “types of fasts” that many people do, read more here.

– For some Daniel Fast recipes, click here.

– Or if you’re still nervous about how to get started, check this out: How To Get Started on Your Fast

– Other Great churches have more resources too. Here’s a link to even more.

January 6, 2019 /  3

Was Christ Truly Born on Christmas Day?

Well, it was another record-setting year of Christmas services at Substance! And after 11 services, I’m ready to do a whole lot of nothing! Thankfully, Carolyn will be tag-teaming our New Years teaching series called “Changeable” – God’s plan for Reinventing Yourself. (& remember, we have NEW service times at our Northtown campus this Sunday Dec. 3oth – 8:30/10/11:30a – SO, hopefully, this will alleviate traffic at our middle service as we prep to add a new campus soon!)

Pastors Peter & Carolyn Photo: Shane Long Photography

But, every year at our Christmas services, people ask me the same question: Was Jesus really born on December 25th? Was the Christmas holiday original a pagan celebration (or vice versa)? Or, my skeptical friends ask me: Are there even any non-Biblical historical references to corroborate the Nativity story? Thankfully, there’s a lot of fascinating answers to these questions!

For years, people have argued over whether or not the Bible’s nativity story actually took place around Christmas time. Celebrating Christ’s birth on December 25th wasn’t very popular at all until the Roman emperor Constantine gave Christianity special status in 336 A.D. Of course, December 25th wasn’t chosen at random. It’s possible to date the origins of “December 25th” back to 273 A.D. But make no mistake, amidst early Christians, there was hardly consensus that December 25th was in fact the accurate time of Christ’s birth. (See footnote 1). But modern astronomy software seems to be adding to the intrigue.

Now that computers exist, it’s possible to actually “rewind” the positions of the stars using astronomy software. As a result, for the first time ever, we now have the ability to mathematically prove that, not only did the Star of Bethlehem exist; but, we now know exactly what it was – as well as the exact dates that it “receded over Bethlehem.” Naturally, this has whipped up a new debate about the true birthday of Christ.

Researchers now know that the Star of Bethlehem was a rare convergence of Jupiter and Venus. And it’s mathematically

Candlelight – Photo: Shane Long Photography

possible to verify that it would have looked like the brightest “star” anyone of that time had ever seen. If you were a Magi looking at the stars from the vantage point of Babylon, this massive star would have appeared over Judea. Obviously, the reason why first century folks were freaking out about “astronomical signs” was because there were a lot of Messianic prophecies related to the stars that were coming true at that exact moment.

For example, first century Jews knew that the Messiah was going to be a “king” who was born through a virgin, a lion out of the tribe of Judah. And ironically, Jupiter (known as the king planet) circled Regulus (the king star) three times inside of the constellation “Leo” (known in those days as “the Lion”). And after doing so, Jupiter passed straight down the center loins of “Virgo” known as “the Virgin” before converging with Venus. Thus, we can understand why King Herod freaked out enough to start killing babies. The storyline of the Messiah was literally playing out in the stars. And the whole Judean world was riveted by these signs.

And, by December of 2 B.C. this convergence would have taken place directly over Bethlehem. On exactly December 25 of 2 BC Jupiter entered retrograde motion. And if you were traveling from Jerusalem (like the wise men) it would have looked like the star was moving towards Bethlehem & then suddenly stopped! (If you want to know more about the facts behind this, check this out: http://www.bethlehemstar.com)

Comedic Finale – Greatest Showman – Photo: Shane Long Photography

Does all of this mean Jesus was born on December 25th? Not necessarily. Some argue that the only part of the nativity story that actually happened on December 25th was the arrival of the Magi. Many argue that Jesus was already a toddler by this point. I personally believe that the entire nativity story (as many Christians imagine it) could have in fact happened – all at that time. Do I know it for certain? Of course not. And I’m not sure it matters.

But what about all of those Christians who think December 25th is nothing more than a pagan tradition with no real connection to the actual nativity?

Well, it’s definitely true that the modern concept of Christmas has been influenced by a half dozen pagan holidays over the centuries, which is true of almost every major Christian holiday. (See footnote 2). Naturally, this has caused a small number of Christians to boycott the holiday.

Photo: Shane Long Photography

Keep in mind: Throughout the ages, many Christian leaders have sought to commandeer many pagan holidays for Christ – taking the approach that God loves to “steal back” that which the devil stole (instead of just burying our heads in the sand). And for the most part, the historic church has successfully co-opted almost every pagan holiday with the exception of Halloween – as many Evangelicals prefer to “re-treat” on this one (pardon the pun).

My view has always been: “Who the heck cares if Jesus was born on Dec. 25th?!” I personally don’t think it really matters. Even more, if we really wanted to get legalistic about “purging all traces” of worldly traditions out of the church then, where do we stop? Do we force all churches to play 6-stringed lyres and wear 1st century sandals? I’ve noticed that most of these Christians who boycott Christmas ironically have all sorts of pagan-influenced traditions in their worship – but they’re just not aware of them.

In the end, I’m not trying to throw any stones. If you want to believe that Santa is Satan, that’s fine.
I promise not to call you a “Baby-Jesus Hater” – (as long as you don’t get snarky on social media – cuz, if you do, all bets are off : ) Honestly, most Christmas boycotters are probably just sick of hearing Mariah Carey’s hoochie Christmas album – which I totally understand.

That being said, as a Christian leader, I’m far more worried about our countries’ unprecedented struggle with porn, pedophilia, gossip and materialism than I am about the worldliness of Christmas trees or Starbucks cups. At some point, we Christians need to choose our battles more wisely when these perennial ethical debates explode across social media.

All I know is this: Hundreds of millions of people open themselves up to the Scriptures every Christmas. That’s a HUGE opportunity for the Gospel. Half of the people at our church came to Christ at one of our Christmas celebrations because we utilized this holiday for kingdom purposes. I personally don’t believe that December 25th is sacred according to the scriptures. I don’t even believe that Christians “need to” observe Christmas (or Easter for that matter). But what is ABSOLUTELY SACRED is when “lost people get found” (Luke 15). And, for now, Christmas is a perfect opportunity to share our faith.

So, no matter what you believe about the specific details of the Biblical nativity, don’t allow silly arguments (Col. 2:16; 2 Tim.2:23) to distract you from the amazing harvest that happens this time of year.
“Those who lead many to righteousness [will shine] like the stars forever and ever” Dan. 12:3.

In the end, the real “Christmas stars” are the ones who use this holiday to impart “peace on earth” and “good will towards men.” And no matter what you’re doing this time of year, make sure to fill up on the Holy Spirit and His fruit before you jump headlong into the chaos of relatives, holiday travel, and Christmas parties.

P.S., If you’re struggling with stress due to family and relatives, check out this video message on how to survive it all during the holidays: https://goo.gl/wcojnE

Footnotes:
1     Some Early Church Fathers (who lived in the centuries immediately after the Apostles) argued for dates like May 20th, or April 18th – as well as a host of other dates.
2    Many historians conjecture that there were political pressures that further cemented December 25th as the special day. Early Christians wanted to commandeer and co-opt certain religious festivals throughout the ages – all of which happened around the same time of year. Some point to the Roman festival of Saturnalia; others to Teutonic feasts. Still others point to the birthday of the Iranian “Sun of Righteousness,” Mithras, as well as a handful of other religious holidays.

December 24, 2018 /  

Address the Mess – God’s Plan for Sexual Brokenness

In the last year, we’ve heard a lot about the “Me Too” movement. And to be honest, I’ve honestly LOVED the national conversation. After all, it’s the first time in years that our culture has started talking about America’s out of control rape-culture.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s actually quite irritating and disheartening when a  topic like this becomes highjacked by politics such as in the Kavanaugh hearings. Yet, despite this, it’s still important that we “Address the Mess” when it comes to our sexual brokenness. After all,  rape, porn, sex trafficking, and pedophilia are all experiencing record highs in the United States.

For example, did you know that according to the Center for Disease Control, in 2012, at least 18.3% of American women have been raped. That’s almost 1 out of 5 women! And a UNICEF study proved that rape is not only skyrocketing in America but all over the world. There’s an unprecedented 120 million girls who’ve been sexually abused or raped before age twenty.[i] (As reported by Mike Embley, BBC World News, interviewing Susan Bissell – Global Head of UNICEF; September 4th, 2014).

Just think about the PAIN of that stat. Of course, many of you know, rape stats tend to increase in direct proportion to porn sales. In fact, 20% of ALL internet porn comes from under-aged trafficked children.

And I get it: It’s hard to talk about some of this; All of us have sexual brokenness. Yet, God’s plan isn’t to oppress us but set us free. So, the question remains: How do we deal with it? Thankfully, we serve a God of redemption. Our church is filled with people from every imaginable background who’ve been restored to a lifestyle of joy. Indeed, repentance is actually a joyful process – the gateway to “refreshment” (Acts 3:19).

Unfortunately, for many people, they struggle with deep shame. Many people feel like they’re the only person who is dealing with their issue. Perhaps you shared your struggle with someone, only to feel further pain and rejection? God wants you to know: You’re not alone. And he’s got plenty of extra grace and power to help you experience a totally new life.

But here’s the purpose of this blog: After diving into our 2015 marriage and sexuality series: Too Many Shades of Grey, the staff and I received an amazing number of awesome questions (which we love, by the way). Of course, there’s no way we could even begin to answer these questions; thus, I decided to write a quick blog outlining a variety of resources for the various questions and demographics that are seeking advice. I.e., Treat this page as a “table of contents” of random Bible and research advice.

  •  What to Do If You Are Addicted to Porn or Lust – What does porn addiction look like? How does the cycle of addiction get started? And what are some things we can do to break the cycle? What are some books I can read that are specific to men or women? Where can I go for professional help? .  .  .  .  .  .  .  . Click Here:  BreakPornAddiction2018

 

  • General Questions on Sex – What are some books we could read about sex (from a Christian perspective)? Are there specific books for newlyweds? What are some general books to take my marriage to a new level?  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  . FixMeBlog-GeneralQuesOnSex

 

  •  How to “Date without Dying” – A few years ago, I did a 3 part dating blog for all the single people in our church. Obviously, it’s filled with tongue-in-cheek humor. But, you’ll definitely find a few insights, linked [here].

 

 

 

November 11, 2018 /  1