Several Reasons to Love the Deep Freeze! – Let’s Hate Summer Together

Posted On January 29, 2019 By Peter In Uncategorized

It gets STINKIN’ COLD in Minnesota… like, the windchill for the next day is, honest-to-God, -45-65F degrees below zero. And for the record, it often gets way warmer here than most people think during the summer… often as hot as Florida (and maybe some of you nerdy folks can explain why that is??)

But, I want to encourage you with several reasons to LOVE the DEEP FREEZE!

Did you know: Crime rates and murder rates tend to drop.¹ Snuggling is more common (just google “Polar Vortex Babies” and you’ll know what I mean). Shivering burns more calories. Cold weather also tends to increase productivity!². When we sit on our leather car seats, it doesn’t feel like hot lava is erupting onto our inner thighs. And hey,… no mosquitoes!

Even the Bible says to be grateful for the cold: “Sing to the Lord with grateful praise…He spreads snow like wool and scatters the frost like ashes…Who can withstand his icy blast?” Psalm 147:7,16-17.

But if you’re struggling with the cold, here are a few ways to chill-out (pardon the expression):

(1). Unfollow all your friends who brag about their tropical weather: They are losers with sweaty underpants who live in higher crime areas and have less babies. It’s that simple.

(2). Embrace and perpetuate terrible clichés like: “Let’s get positive about the negative.” “There’s no bad weather, just bad clothing.” “Do I have a fever? Because you are giving me chills?” Or my personal favorite: “Can you hold my gloves for a second? I usually warm them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.” (Note: My legal team advises you to not say this to your boss or co-workers).

(3). Compare yourself to the weather on Mars: It’s a high of -19F today… (which, I realize is oddly close to Minnesota); however, Mars is going to drop to -111F tonight! Idiot Martians. I can’t believe they live there.

(4). Grow a Thick Beard (& Yes, I’m talking to women too… it’s ok to admit you have random facial hairs).

(5). Embrace “Denture face” – In the North, we’ve all been there – you’re running into the grocery store and your teeth spontaneously freeze because you foolishly decided to smile at a cute baby… So, the remedy: Pull your lips tightly over your teeth like you just had them all removed. Yes, you look like an angry old grandpa; but, remember… you’re burning more calories. You’re less likely to get mugged. And when you get home, you can tell your loved one: “This sidewalk must be unsalted, because I just fell for you.” And Finally,

(6). Listen to Bob Marley on your way to church this Sunday. Trust me. If you do this, it will be the highlight of your week. YES… we DID have to cancel our church events on Tues & Wed (including our giant Volunteer Appreciation Party :(. But, by Super Bowl Sunday, I’ll be bringing the heat! And you will not want to miss it!

In downtown, remember, you can take the indoor skyway to within a few steps of church! (And yes, it will be warmer there compared to last Sunday as we prep for our new HVAC and future video wall there). And I’ll be in the pulpit with a super-fun message! Be sure to invite your frozen friends.

Love you all! Stay warm.

Ps,. I included a few of my favorite “I Hate Summer Memes” below…