How to be a Better Parent – OR – a Better Son or Daughter!

Recently, I preached on parenting – some of the top regrets I hear, & how we can avoid them! We assume that, because we’re socially intelligent, our kids will necessarily catch it. But, it takes a lot more intentionality than most Christians think. To put it simply: life has a way of crowding out many of the best parenting moments. So how do we seize these moments? (Both as parents and as sons & daughters?)

Well, first things first: if you missed the sermon Perspective – Part 5, you can check it out here.
And, the handout I mention in the sermon can be found here.

However, if you keep reading, I pasted both of these handouts below! So, as you continue reading, ask yourself: Which of the tips helps you (or disturbs you) the most and why? Allow God to mess with you!

How to Be a Better Parent:

Habits that increase the transmission of wisdom

Imagine that parenting and discipleship came down to 2000 “conversations and demonstrations.” How will you log the majority of these before your kids leave the house? The top regret of parents is, “I underestimated how fast they would grow up; I underestimated how small the window of mentoring was; I underestimated how much proximity and leverage I had to mentor when they were young; And, now I have to play catch up.”

Here are 3 Simple Habits which have a huge statistical impact on value-transmission and child outcomes:

(1). Be in church EVERY SINGLE WEEK – Research shows, ppl who attend EVERY week have: higher grades, higher graduation rates; higher academic achievements; better time management; better sex lives; better marriages; better life-expectancy; lower depression rates; lower mental illness.

& these outcomes PLUMMET for Christians who even miss even one or two weeks a month! (see citations in book Broken Escalators, Peter Haas; Chapter 3, pg. 56) Or see THIS BLOG – The Jaw Dropping Benefits of Church Attendance:

(2). Have dinner together EVERY NIGHT: Kids who regularly eat dinner with their families are 3x less likely to smoke pot; (cuts the risk of substance abuse in half). It lowers stress levels; significantly lowers risk of suicide. With nightly dinners, kids are more likely to confide in their parents, more likely to feel emotionally content, more likely to be selective about finding positive friends, more likely to get good grades; and, they’re more likely to say their parents are proud of them.” (cited from: The National Center on Addiction & Substance Abuse at Columbia University).

(3). Always Parent towards “Less is More” – Less Sports; Less Piano Lessons; Less Social Events (to free them up). And YOU must model the same behavior: Less Debt; Smaller mortgage; Slower career goals; Basically… Less of ANYTHING that causes you to log fewer hours with God & each other! How?

Turn your 5 year career goals into 10 year goals; Teach your kids: “If that extracurricular is truly so important, you’ll find a way to do it in your 20’s!”

Don’t be like the “Seed among Thorns” (in the Parable of the Seed & the Sower). “[They] hear the word, but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth, and the desires for other things come in and choke the word making it unfruitful.” Mk 4:18. If the devil can’t get you bad he’ll get you busy!

And if you’re looking for more Parenting Tips, click: “How to Help Your kids Fall in Love with the Church”

Or “How to Survive Young Kids – A Marriage Tip” 

How to be a Better Son or Daughter

Habits that increase the transmission of wisdom

What to Look for in a Spiritual Mom or Dad:

  • Full of God’s Word and the fruit of the Holy Spirit (Psm 1:3; Gal.5:22)
  • Be sure they attend & serve weekly in a healthy local church:

“Planted in the house of the Lord they will flourish” Psm.92:13

The top 2 predictors of spiritual health & growth: “4-7 friends at a local church + a weekly ministry that charges them up.”

  • Avoid people who always make you feel comfortable. (If comfort is what you’re looking for, get a massage therapist.)
  • Avoid mentors who are easily available: Most of the mentors worth having are too busy to mentor you. Expect the relationship to require some form of inconvenient intentionality.

 

What is Your Job as a Good Son or Daughter?

(1). You must take initiative: You seek them out; Don’t expect them to seek you out. You communicate your needs; Don’t expect them to read your mind or affirm you in intuitive ways. Make it easy for your spiritual parents. 

(2). You go to them with the attitude of Serving & Re-Learning:

Teach ability is not the ability to learn. Rather it’s the ability to relearn that which you already know. Don’t seek confirmation as much as impartation. Go with the expectation of receiving homework; Don’t give them homework.

(3). Don’t expect them to fulfill ALL of your mentoring needs: A healthy person has an entire team of advisors… financial, marital, etc. Healthy people need: “Role Models” (books/podcasts); Mentors; Peers (who will hold you accountable); and people you’re mentoring. (because we reap what we sow). No single person should play all of these.

 (4). Don’t oppress them with YOUR definition of Fatherhood or Motherhood. Your job is to learn their definition. And in honoring them, you will reap what you sow. God will always provide additional mentors & opportunities to us when we sow honor to them and mentoring to others.

For More Mentoring Tips, see the blog linked HERE:

October 17, 2019 /  

How to Get Your Kids to Fall in Love with the Church

If you haven’t noticed, I’ve been traveling a bit more lately. From Canada to London to Pittsburgh to Orlando…the last few weeks have been a bit crazy. So, one of the more common questions I’ve been asked is this: “How do you parent your kids with such a crazy schedule?”
Well, keep in mind, when our kids were little, we simply couldn’t travel as much. And when we DID travel, it was definitely “Mommy & Daddy time.” (See the blog on “Surviving Young Kids” here)
But now that our kids can help us actually assist us in DOING ministry, it’s really getting fun.
For example, two weeks ago, I dragged my son to Experience Church in Calgary. Of course, he was thrilled about the idea of going into their kids ministry to learn how they did it. Then, this last week, I dragged my daughters to England.  Substance Variant (our DJ worship band) was debuting our first music video at NewDay festival – and if you haven’t seen it, click here).

But I was so proud of my daughter Lijah (@lijahhaas on Insta). She got up and did a complicated DJ routine in front of 7000+ of her

NewDay Festival Main Stage

peers – which honestly took a LOT of guts. And after I preached, she took the stage with Substance Variant and gave these Brits a bit of the Substance experience. And after I shared the story about my other daughter, True’s vision of Historic Wesley, many people kept coming up to her for prayer (@truehaas). And it was delightful to watch her shower people with kindness.

Looking back on these last few weeks, the highlight wasn’t speaking and performing to a giant sea of people; rather, it was doing it alongside people I love. It was watching my loved ones serve God’s people with their gifts. And watching God bless them in return.
But I’ve noticed that a lot of people never experience this joy unless they painstakingly prioritize parenting and church involvement over the never-ending opportunities that are marketed at us. And what do I mean by this?
For starters, I’ve always made sure my kids had a ministry at church. Did they always like it? No. Like most kids, they complained… a LOT. There were seasons where they didn’t know where they fit. They struggled with friends. And it took hundreds of conversations…explaining the need for Christian friends and servanthood. They needed to wrestle with the value of putting Gods Kingdom first. And yes, even when our kids ministry got truly amazing, they still complained about getting up.
In some ways, much of parenting is simply having the energy to stand firm when your kids whine. And when they get older, this can require a bit more artful negotiating. But once they owned the church for themselves, they’re now walking in a whole new level of blessings. They don’t need me to convince them anymore.
But as another tip, I’ve always tried to have a few hobbies in common with each of my kids. And yes, many times, those common interests were strange and awkward for me to acquire. Our common interests have constantly changed and evolved – from Minecraft to YouTube shows to now, writing music and DJ-ing.
But the important part is that we’re logging hours, wrestling with values, and having fun together.
Research shows that “quantity of time spent with your kids” is THE SINGLE greatest predictor of child outcomes. Yet, we live in a world that’s constantly pressuring us to drown our children in a long list of extracurriculars –  sports, academics, arts… basically “good things” that often crowd out the the single greatest thing your child needs most: YOU.
Don’t allow good to become the enemy of great. Any activity that decreases your child’s interaction with you is likely something that needs to be seriously scrutinized.
So here’s how to think about it: If life was a juggling act, and each ball represented a different aspect of your life… careers, friends, & opportunities are like rubber balls. If you drop them, they always bounce back.
And although your kids, your marriage & your health FEEL like they bounce back as well, over time, you find that they’re ACTUALLY a lot more like glass… when you drop them, they chip, they crack, and some even shatter. And many parents don’t realize this until it’s too late.
But how do we prevent this?
Just be intentional to put your marriage, your kids, & your personal walk with God first. Time and intentionality change everything.
But to get practical: if you were to do one thing (in a valued relationship) that would make 60% of the difference, what would it be?
Write out your thoughts. Be as detailed as you can.
But, let me tell you, the joy and delight from investing in relationships is ALWAYS greater than money, opportunities or professional success.
So don’t waste your life learning this the hard way. Amen?
August 3, 2018 /  2

“Must Read” Books for Parents: Fun, Practical, & for Various Ages

Carolyn HaasThe last couple weeks I’ve been hitting many of the top statistical predictors of healthy kids and marriages.  And in case you missed a few weeks, you parents will especially want to hear the research from week 3!   (click here to see videos).  But my wife and I want to give you some more information that you can explore on your own.

Of course, if you know my wife at all, you’d know that she’s obsessive about being a great parent.  In fact, I call her the “Mommy-ologist” because she’s always got at least 2 parenting books on her at any given moment.  (I’m not kidding.  It’s almost ridiculous).  In fact, I don’t think we’ve gone on a vacation in ten years where she wasn’t reading another parenting book.  So, when it comes to parenting advice, what are the books that stand out amidst the clutter?  Below, my lovely lady, (a.k.a., “Dr. Mom”) gives us a few of her favorites – and why!

“As many of you know, Peter & I were already senior pastoring a church of middle aged families before we had any kids.  So, as you would imagine, our first child was quite the ordeal.  (She was the church baby).  For better and for worse, all eyes were on us as we entered this new adventure of parenthood.  Too add pressure, our firstborn was off-the-charts “spirited”  (it’s the nice way of saying ‘obnoxiously strong-willed’).  In fact, the expert that made this assessment even recommended that I find a support group!  But, don’t worry: everything worked out fine.  In fact, all of those humbling parenting moments caused me to seek out all the books, mentors, and wisdom I could find.  Unfortunately, many parents don’t do this until it’s too late.

Obviously, the Bible is the ultimate source of wisdom (Jer 33:3,  Jms 1:5, Psm 32:8); so, don’t forget this when you read my list below.  Also, contrary to folk-wisdom, good parenting is NOT an innate skill.  If anything, we all have a fantastic ability to screw up our kids.  That’s why we need to treat parenting as a skill that needs constant sharpening.  Isolating yourself from advice is one of the worst things you could do (as irritating as opinions can be).  But, if you have the right mentors and parenting books, God can make parenting a joy – which is how it should be.  So out of my journey of seeking wisdom over the last decade, here are a few of my favorite parenting books!

Of course, there are hundreds of “good” books.  Naturally, it’s hard to narrow things down to a top 4 or 5.  But, I tried to pick books that are fun, practical, and easy to read.  Thus, my truest test:  Which books do I tend to recommend the most?  Well, here’s a few you should read (In no Particular Order).

(1).  Clueless:  10 things I wish I knew about motherhood before becoming a mom.  by Kerri Weems.  (www.kerriweems.com) This is a MUST read for every mom.  I just finished it this week and LOVE LOVE LOVE it!  She says everything I would want to say about the process and journey of motherhood:  from the myths, to the expectations, to the fears, emotions and joys.  It’s brilliantly written and fun to read.  This book is going to the TOP of my list of parenting books for we all know “if mama ain’t happy, nobody is happy!”

(2). Creative Correction, by Lisa Welchel.      This is the most life-giving parenting book I’ve ever read!  If you have a toddler or older, this is a MUST READ.  It is well written, funny and filled with scriptures.  (In fact, when you read it, you’re actually encouraged rather than overwhelmed… which, sad to say, is a common occurrence with many books.)  But, Creative Correction is full of tools & tips for every age & season your kids go through.  So just buy it:  You’ll want to read it over and over as your children grow.

(3). Nurture by Nature, Understanding Your Child’s Personality Type – and Become a Better Parent,  by Paul D. Tieger & Barbara Barron-Tieger   Details:  For help with kids of all ages.     Most parent / child conflict is due to personality conflict.  So this book gives you fascinating insights into your kid’s incredibly specific personality type (one of 16!)  This book will eerily describe each of your kids (from toddler to teenager) and how you can best parent them in each season.

(4).  Seven Habits of Happy Kids & 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens (by Sean Covey) Details:  These are two different books… (each designed for the appropriate age).    These are great tools for teaching the principals of the “7 Habits” to your children and teens.  The children’s book version has great illustrations that teach children to be proactive, to begin with the end in mind etc… and the book for teens has incredible illustrations and homework assignments that make it a must read for EVERY teen.  (Note:  I will be personally forcing my kids to go through this book over and over again!)

(5) Revolutionary Parenting, by George Barna – Details:  A perfect book to educate parents on statistical causes of success. It’s more of a “big picture” type book (no matter what age your kids are).  Barna surveyed over 10,000 young adults who are thriving in their faith and life.   He then interviewed their parents and came up with some incredible insights on what we can do as parents to be intentional in our parenting.  So get ready to produce spiritual champions!

(6) Boundaries with Kids, by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend   – Details:  For penetrating insights about kids of all ages.    This book does a great job outlining the building blocks that create healthy adults.  But get ready, you’re going to learn a lot about yourself when you read this.  It’s hard to see the strengths and weaknesses of your own upbringing until you’ve read a book like this.  Again, this is a must-read.

But here’s the bottom line:  The average parent only spends 15 minutes a day interacting with their kids.  And no matter how smart you are, this type of apathy will never produce healthy results.  For some of us, this means we need to take a serious look at how much we work (or perhaps a deeper question, how much do we really need?)  But if you’re willing to educate yourself — and if you’re willing to put in a little time –  your children will be a treasure both to you and to the kingdom of God.

September 26, 2012 /